Ms. Anonymous – “I Cried For Days”
In anticipation of the release of “Lost & Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair“, I’ve reached out to my readers to share their stories of infidelity. My hope is that you’ll be challenged by their experiences and invest in your own relationship even more. It’s easy to believe that the affair will provide the high or comfort that you’ve been longing for, but it rarely (if ever) lives up to such expectations.
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Ms. Anonymous – “I Cried For Days”
1. Were you married or dating when you were cheated on? Dating. After my almost 20 year marriage crumbled (another story), I began dating my High School sweetheart. It was familiar, we had much in common & I felt welcomed by him & his family. In High School, I being a very conservative girl did not sleep with him. Being adults was an entirely different ballgame.
2. Tell us about the condition of the relationship before the other person strayed.
You know it was really a good one. We shared a lot of common interests, we worked on his house side by side, loved the same movies, cooked together, he enjoyed my sense of style & humor and we talked about everything.
BUT. BUT. BUT. We began to have neighbors, his family, his friends, my friends, OUR friends over to his house (I lived elsewhere.). Pot lucks, parties, gatherings, holidays. Then something cracked. He started to pull away from people. I am a very community oriented person. He describes himself as a “lone wolf”. Well, if I’d been paying attention – that was an apt description. A lone wolf is ostracized from his/her pack due to BEHAVIOR. Well, DUH. He began to tell me that having people around made it so “He could be Tracked” and it was “Constricting”. Then there were the comments, “What did you say? I mean could you use a easier word? Your words, ideas are too complicated.” Hmm. Again, another signal. Now, for my part, I probably was living the story of the past more than actually being present for the NOW. I had a broken heart, he smelled familiar, right and my memories of simpler times perhaps began to fill in the gaps, when my gut told me to pay attention. I call it “magical thinking” – If I just “wish it to be so”…then…well. you get the idea.
3. How did their affair impact your life – both during and after the relationship?
During the affair. I found clues. He traveled a lot for work and of course was in touch with me as I had slid into the roll of help-mate and was a project manager for mutual clients. Part of my job was to allocate credit card lines – well – I knew the florist wasn’t for anyone we knew and I didn’t have any flowers in my house – so I called the florist – Yep. Easy enough to find out where they went. Still I was “well, maybe it was just a thank you for all the stuff she’s expediting for the houses…” Co-worker in an out of state office. Nice. Then there were the random cards coming to the house in pastel envelopes. The phone call on the home phone in the middle of the night & hang ups…
What was the worst of all this is: IT CHANGED ME. How I became suspicious, wary, always on the look out. Everything he did before had my overlay of complete TRUST. Now, I began to wonder. He still wanted to be with me but there was a something – an energy shift. It is a subtle thing, almost animal in it’s presence. When there is a true connection – “everything smells right”.
The final one, was when I dropped the mail coming into the house, picked it up and a card had slipped from the envelope (no, swear it did). His Mom was with me when SHE opened the card thinking her son for a wild night of passion. He had asked me to watch his child, because he had to stay over one more night at the office. YEAH. Good times. Mom hugged me and had me pack up my little items that were in his house. Told me she loved me for always and this was not the way to treat me. So, now the family is involved. It tore my heart up and out. I cried for days and I still needed to get our consulting work done as it was my only stream of income. I took the gig after my divorce, thinking it would be a good thing to work in a familiar industry again.
He was still my drug. He knew how to press my buttons and I was more than willing to sell my self worth down the drain, just to feel for a moment, even if it was a “cotton candy” moment without substance – a touch, love, something. So, after his phone calls & making up. I went back. This time with the idea that I had to take the shields off my heart and really let myself experience our relationship at it was. In reality AND real time.
The cheating stopped. For a small amount of time. Then resumed with another woman, whom he’d had an affair ( I found this out afterward) during his former marriage.
I let the hurts hit home. I let my eyes see and I let my addiction go.
I lost 20 pounds in the process, or perhaps it was 195 pounds? We sat down, one evening in front of the fireplace and I told him I couldn’t be in the relationship as it was any longer. That I had to choose my self worth, my authentic self and my real authentic needs over the “imaginary story”. That I had forgiven him BUT I must find my way into forgiving myself for betraying my ethics, needs and morals. He wasn’t the “bad” one. I was the accomplice.
I let the door hit me on the way out and have not regretted choosing myself. I have learned that hearts break BUT I did not die from it. That promises made without true commitment are hollow.
MOST OF ALL I LEARNED THAT I MUST BECOME MY OWN BEST BELOVED BEFORE there could ever be someone else in the picture. I learned to be my best own company. To define myself within the parameters of “would I like me if” I did that…And found the company of my friends, to be wonderful. That being the single wheel made me one fine uni-cycle – cause it helped me keep MY balance. I learned that The bottom of the Ocean is – well just the bottom. And If I can muster up just one ounce of courage, I can sprout gills and I can follow the bubbles upward to the Sun. That God’s Grace is present everywhere, even when I hated myself.
I know now, that going through that time, was like being in a crucible – it heats up the rock until the precious metals rise to the surface. The relationship was my crucible. It was up to me to decide when the heat was enough. Out of every situation, when I’ve had the heart to look, I have been gifted with learning. About myself, about compassion and what are my boundaries. It has freed me up (mostly, cause I’m a work in progress) from a crap-load of blame, anger.
Eventually, I made a “wish list” of qualities & character I would want in a mate. Guess what? God took my list made it even better and I stand today with a whole heart to give to my finance. BECAUSE I went through the crucible first and found myself in the process.
4. Did you reconcile with the person who cheated on you?
If not, why not? If so, how did the reconciliation come about?
Yes. We did. He finally told me that he cheated, because I was too smart. I was more than his equal and he needed someone he could control and dominate. I was too much a of “whole” person to really need him. Ironic, wasn’t it? We have remained friends. To give credit, it was because he really tried. And because I kept it within the friendship realm. Boundaries. Boundaries. He is still with the last girl he cheated on me with. And we often run into each other (which was really sucky when I was still processing). I am able to be warm AND MEAN IT. NOT BE ALL Southern in my response “Bless her Heart”. I am grateful all this occurred before I met my fiance, as then my former relationship wasn’t a wast; it truly was an experience of merit. Not me just moving onto the next Chess piece. He told me a year ago that he made a huge mistake in letting me go. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel good to hear that. What was awesome, was within a split second, my heart turned to “GAWD, I’m glad to be free..” And I knew then, I truly was in a yard, garden all my own and it was enough.
Ms. Anonymous – thank you for your courage in sharing your story.
What stands out in her experience? And, what can you learn from her situation?
