Should I Really Care About Your Opinion?

Yesterday, I was reflecting on various opinions that have been expressed over the past few months about my previous life, my new book, my marriage, and the new church that my wife and I are starting with an amazing group of people. These unsolicited opinions are delivered via email, Facebook, and through the rumor mill. After making some poor decisions and imploding my life, I committed to disregard the negative communication from people who felt like they needed to share their thoughts with me. Recently, the communication flow seems to have opened up again as Laura and I move into a new season of our lives.

In a snarky moment, I posted what I thought was a humorous question on Facebook…
Isn’t it funny when someone thinks their opinion about your life matters…or that you even care?

Quite a few people chimed in with immediate ‘likes’ and positive comments, but then the ‘Christian Facebook police’ emerged to ensure that we all know that the opinions of others truly matter. I had a wonderful discussion with Laura last night, and I wanted to reflect for a moment on the value of the opinions of others…

1. Everyone has a right to their opinion…but I don’t need to care about it.
   I honor the right we have as human beings to have a personal perspective on anything and everything. On top of that, you have the power to share that opinion if you choose. I honor that and respect that…but I don’t have to “value” what you say. To care about something means that I place “value” on your words, and I choose not to value everything that someone shares with me.
   .
2. I highly value the opinion of my wife.
   My wife’s thoughts about my life are critical. We have a partnership that relies upon open communication about everything – parenting, finances, spirituality, household duties, and time management. We are in a constant dialogue about our perspectives and opinions, and I value every thought and word that she shares with me.
   .
3. I value the opinions of those who are walking closely with me through life.
   There are a number of people who Laura and I have chosen to walk closely with in this life, and their perspective deeply matters to me. I don’t necessarily play into their opinions…seeking their approval. Instead, I ask them for input (one of my top 5 StengthsFinder strengths), and I listen. I care about what these individuals share…both affirming and challenging my life.
   .
4. I value the opinions of those who are authorities in my life.
   Although I am my own person and I can make my own decisions, there is something powerful about looking to those who are in leadership roles (official or unofficial) in our lives. From my parents to bosses to church leaders, there is great worth in the words of those who have more experience than myself. Although I am in a season of life where I run my own businesses, I do have several people who are “authorities” in my life. For instance, I deeply value the perspective of our therapist. He knows us better than anyone else, and anything he shares with me is golden. I mull it over. I process it. I decide whether I want to integrate it into my life or not. I value his opinions highly…but I still determine what I place a high value on. In addition, I have a friend, Suresh Kumar, who is somewhat of a mentor to me, and I deeply value his thoughts. Although we’re not in conversation on a daily basis, I trust that he has an insightful perspective on my life like no one else.
   .
5. I listen to the opinions of those who experience me…but I don’t have to value them.
   There are thousands of people who experience me (through face-to-face interactions, public speaking, writing, social media), but they don’t really know me. They can’t know me. Although they may feel close to me, they simply experience a part of who I am through short interactions – either once or ongoing. I seek to ‘listen’, but I may or may not value the opinion that’s shared. Although it is tempting to highlight and revel in the positive opinions of others, they can quickly shift the moment I do something that’s ‘off-target’ in the eyes of this person. (Ask me how I know.) In the process of listening to discern if I should ‘value’ their opinion, I take into account the health of their own life, their relational skills, any ulterior motives, their love for me, and their commitment to my best interests. It’s amazing how often someone feels the need to share their ‘unsolicited opinions’, because they have a deep wound, fear, anxiety, or need to control the outcome of a situation. Oftentimes, a hint of truth is mixed in with a load of pain.
   .
6. I generally disregard the opinions of those who don’t have my best interest in mind.
   There are individuals who don’t have your/my best interest in mind because of their own disappointment, lack of forgiveness, or self-righteousness. They want you/me to pay for something. Unsolicited advice and opinions are generally ‘weak’ in making an impact on my life and yours. They go from person to person to thwart your/my positive actions in this world. I have compassion for them, and I hope that these individuals will find peace within themselves.
   .
   In general, people who are taking inventory of my life are simply trying to tear me down to lift themselves up. Jesus talks about this when he describes our tendency to point out the issues of another when we have quite a few issues to deal with ourselves.
   ..
7. I have the ‘right’ opinions…but I humbly hold them all.
   Of course, I think I have the ‘right’ opinion about something. If I didn’t, I would change my opinion. The question is how firmly do I hold my opinions and how vocally do I express them? Frankly, it just depends on the circumstances and the topic at hand. The process of humbly holding my opinions means that I recognize that I’m a flawed human being with only one perspective. Learning from the perspectives of others is absolutely key in order to see my own blind spots. Therefore, I welcome input…especially from those who I’m walking with through this life.
   .
   
8. God’s opinion matters most.
   Because of my faith, there is a deep sense that God is ultimately the One to whom I must answer to. The challenge comes in when someone wants to discern God’s opinion for my life. When there are differences of opinion on what the Bible (my holy book) has to say on a certain topic or how it is to be interpreted, then there are bound to be disagreements. And…that’s okay. I choose to live in the tension that there are many people who love God but have different opinions on a variety of subjects.

With that being said, let’s go back to my statement on Facebook…

I do find it amusing when people who don’t have my best interest in mind form an opinion about my life through hearsay or snippets of writing and think I should place great value upon it. This just doesn’t fit the type of perspectives (i.e., opinions) that truly matter to me. Do I respect their right to think negatively about my life and decisions? Sure. Do I need to value it? No.

Are You Worried About the Opinions of Others?
If you find yourself worrying about the opinions of your classmates, ex-spouse, former church members, or that guy who stares at you weird, you may want to question the value you are placing on their perspectives. Whose opinion matters to you?