My “When-Then” Mindset is Deteriorating.
Perhaps you’re not cursed with “when-then” thinking, but I believe I’ve thought this way my entire life. It’s the mental posture of believing that “when” I experience or accomplish something I have my heart set on, “then” I’ll feel satisfaction that will fill that place in my head/heart that’s empty.
Oftentimes, that feeling of satisfaction is rather nebulous. It’s not as though I actually articulate that “I’m going to feel fulfilled or finally worth something.” Instead, I just have this generalized belief that life will finally be whole and good and filled with unending happiness. I’ll finally “be somebody” and all will be right in the world (and within me).
“When-Then” thinking has never worked for me.
When I make Little League All-Stars…
When I learn how to ollie…
When I get a car…
When I’m the yearbook photo editor…
When I’m a newspaper photographer…
When I win first place for my photography…
When I get married…
When I walk the line twice at graduation for a BA and MA…
When I finish my MA at seminary…
When I get hired as a pastor…
When we have kids…
When I start my own church…
When the church grows to 100 (250, 500, 1000)…
When I speak to 10,000+ people…
When we start new church campuses…
When I write my first book…
When I start a children’s home in India…
When I publish multiple books in one year…
When I land this huge client…
After each one of these “accomplishments”, I felt a rush of energy and excitement…a high…that…simply…didn’t…last. After the “when”, the “then” didn’t meet my expectations.
Yet, with each new “when” over the past couple of years, my adrenaline rush has begun to wane. I’ve been surprised by my lack of excitement when something kinda cool would come my way.
Earlier this year, I pursued an opportunity with a training company to present business seminars around the nation. They were ready to take me on…and I turned it down. The impending travel didn’t align with our family values, and I was barely disappointed after sending the “no thank you” email. Even this week Laura and I received confirmation that we will be appearing on “Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal” on the new Oprah Winfrey Network. We indicated our interest back in January, and we’ve spent hours talking with multiple casting directors…sharing our story over and over again. Although we haven’t really pursued the opportunity after the initial email, there’s been quite a bit of investment on our part through their detailed selection process.
When I finally got the call this week, the producer asked, “Well…how do you feel about being on the show?”
“Good…we’re honored to share our story.” That was it. I didn’t feel elation or adrenaline or excitement…just a genuine “okay God…here we go…may this honor You and help others.”
It seems as though my “When-Then” mindset is deteriorating.
Maybe I’m starting to live day-by-day more than future-focused. I’m not sure. I just know that things are continuing to morph, and I’m less interested in a pay-off and more interested in just being open to whatever God brings in our path.
I’m sure it will be interesting.
