How to Deal with Disappointment

Every night around the dinner table, our family takes time to share a “high” (something good) and a “low” (something not so good). Usually the “low” centers around some sort of disappointment within the day. It seems like my kids experience disappointment 200 times within a 24 hour period – from having a friend choose not to play with them at recess to not getting the flavor of ice cream they want after dinner. Oftentimes, the disappointment seems out of proportion to the situation at hand, but that’s usually because I’m not the one dying to have mint chip ice cream.

Have you had any disappointments recently?

Have you worked hard for a promotion only to be passed over by someone who seems to lack your level of experience? Have you given your heart to someone only to have them disregard your feelings? Have you believed in someone only to watch them perform or act in a way that doesn’t meet up to your hopes for them?

It’s a sinking feeling, isn’t it? The moment you realize that a situation or relationship or even your life isn’t turning out the way you had hoped…it’s disheartening.

By definition, disappointment is the feeling of sadness or displeasure that comes with unmet expectations.

The only way to avoid disappointment is to not have expectations or hopes or dreams. If we somehow could seal off our emotions from the ups and downs of everyday life, then I guess disappointment wouldn’t exist. First of all, that’s not even possible, and secondly, I’m not sure anyone would actually choose that. The question is…how can we deal with disappointment in a healthy way?

• First of all, recognize and embrace that you are disappointed.
  There are times when we just jump to feelings of anger, because things haven’t turned out the way we expected. Below that anger is a feeling of sadness, hurt, and anger. The first step is to actually say, “I am disappointed.” Being willing to say it starts to free up our hearts and moves us away from resentment and bitterness.
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• Be honest about your expectations.
  There is a reason why you are disappointed, and it’s because your expectations weren’t met. Perhaps it would be helpful to say, “I was expecting _______________, but it didn’t happen. I would have rather experienced _________________.” Oftentimes, we aren’t even conscience of our own expectations upon life or those who are in our lives. By bringing our expectations to the forefront of our minds, we’re admitting that things went differently than we were expecting.
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• Find compassion in the midst of disappointment.
  If there is a person or group who has disappointed you, there is an opportunity for you to develop compassion for them. Perhaps, they have behaved in ways that even they would like to change. Maybe, they are going through something in life that is difficult or troublesome for them. Or possibly, they’ve experienced some challenges in their life that are preventing them from responding in ways that are loving or life-giving. At the same time, it’s always helpful to look within and discover ways in which we have disappointed others in the past. In the same way that you want to be forgiven when you disappoint others, you now have the opportunity to extend grace to someone in your own life.
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• Re-evaluate your expectations.
  Since you experienced disappointment, were your expectations unreasonable? Do you need to re-orient them about life or a particular person? Or maybe your expectations are completely reasonable but this person isn’t able to meet them? That’s an opportunity to re-evaluate your level of relationship with them. If you want to keep those expectations in your relationships (or life as a whole), maybe it’s just unrealistic to have that expectation on that particular person. Maybe they can’t handle what you’re putting on them, and you’ll need to shift how you see the relationship.
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• Celebrate the good stuff.
  Last week, I talked about celebrating the good stuff, and that’s what we need to do when we’ve experienced disappointment. We grieve the loss, recognize our expectations, extend grace, and celebrate the great things about the relationship and about life in general. It doesn’t mean that you avoid dealing with the pain of the moment, but you’re also focusing your heart on the great things that have been brought into your life.

What do you think? How do you deal with disappointment?