photo by David Trotter
I’m honored to be a ‘guide‘ at the upcoming Idea Camp focusing on sexuality in our culture and the church. This is going to be a wonderful face-to-face conversation and learning experience with a tremendous group of communicators and participants. The Idea Camp hosts several events each year with a different topic at each gathering. This particular event has had its challenges according to Charles Lee, the event’s organizer. Read his recent post – “Why I Almost Gave Up on Sex.” The number of participants seems to be considerably lower than previous events with different topics.
I think this points to a broader issue…the taboo of sexuality.
Although this may be a broad brushstroke, it seems as though much of our secular culture has opted for a titillating version of sexuality (with the accompanying locker room vulgarities, sexualization of music/fashion, and the like). Much of the church culture has opted for a ‘don’t ask – don’t tell’ policy while preaching against sex (outside of marriage) as a sin. Meanwhile, some church leaders have broken ranks in the last few years by crafting message series’ with attention-getting sermon titles and illustrations to match. In some ways, it seems like a push-back technique in order to get the conversation rolling.
I grew up in a family where sexuality was not part of our everyday conversations…or really ever. I’m not sure why my parents didn’t want to bring it up. Probably for the same reasons I’m not excited about talking about it with my kids. (Thankfully, my wife had the “big talk” with our daughter last year, and she knows how babies are made.) We’re doing our best to answer questions as they come and take opportunities to discuss our values and thoughts on sexuality. While trying to be appropriate and age-sensitive, we’re also aware of the downside of avoiding the subject.
NOT talking about sex oftentimes…
- Fosters ignorance.
Misconceptions about the mechanics of sex are developed, and lies are embraced from an early age. Teens think they won’t be the ones who get pregnant or contract an STD or get HIV. It also fosters ignorance about the role of sexuality in relationships. Like…”oral sex isn’t really sex” or “it doesn’t really matter…it’s just sex.” As an adult, it fosters an ignorance of how pervasive the dark side of sexuality is and how it’s destroying relationships and people.
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- Nurtures feelings of guilt and shame.
We end up believing that since we don’t talk about it…it must be ‘bad.’ Did your parents turn the channel anytime a couple started kissing on TV? Did they hide your eyes when certain commercials came on? Protecting hearts and minds is positive. Ignoring the reality of the presence of sexuality is pure blindness. The message that sex is ‘bad’ is easy to be interpreted when it’s always a hush-hush topic. As an adult, this negative tone carries over and prevents us from having healthy discussions that lead to an enhanced experience of our sexuality.
. - Creates a powerful curiosity.
When something is a secret, there is a natural desire to know more about it…especially as a child. Take a peek at the magazine, look at that website, or even touch there to see what it feels like. Although curiosity is good in many ways, it seems to be exponentially increased when there is a lack of healthy discussion.
. - Promotes a “don’t ask – don’t tell” policy.
In our families and churches, it seems as though the silence communicates that we shouldn’t bring up challenges or questions as they arise. In fact, we’ve seen (or heard) what has happened to others when they bring up their issue. Remember the church leader who confessed to looking at pornography? Where is he or she now? How about the couple at church who was dating and had pre-marital sex? Their name got dragged through the mud, didn’t it? Maybe your scenario is different, but I’ve seen plenty of people get thrown under the bus after confessing a sexual situation or challenge in their life. By not talking about the challenges, we’re encouraging people to go underground and internalize their secrets.
Have you experience the silence of sexuality in your home or church?
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