Relationships | David Trotter

Nina – “He Never Loved Me!”

On July 22nd, 2010 / Relationships / Leave a comment

In anticipation of the release of “Lost & Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair“, I’ve reached out to my readers to share their stories of infidelity. My hope is that you’ll be challenged by their experiences and invest in your own relationship even more. It’s easy to believe that the affair will provide the high or comfort that you’ve been longing for, but it rarely (if ever) lives up to such expectations.

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Nina – “He Never Loved Me!”

Were you married or dating when you were cheated on? Married.

Tell us about the condition of the relationship before the other person strayed.
He was my best friend. I thought he and I could do anything together and we were a great team. Whatever he wanted to do, we did. He wanted me to be the happy wife and do the housework, caring for the baby, and work…and that’s what I did. A husband is supposed to provide for this family financially and emotionally and the wife goes along with it, so I thought. We went to church every Sunday prayed before we ate dinner, did the Bible study groups, I thought we had a God filled relationship.

How did their affair impact your life-both during and after the relationship?
During his affair, I realized I needed to love myself and listen to the clues and follow my instinct. Being cheated on makes you second guess your value and competency. After the relationship was over he continued his affair and ended up marrying the woman. For me, it made me question what love is and how he lied to me the entire time. Hard lesson learned about love: He never loved me!

Did you reconcile with the person who cheated on you? If not, why not? If so, how did you reconciliation come about?
Absolutely not! I was totally humiliated and embarrassed. I couldn’t believe he would do that to me let alone, our daughter and to our family. Basically, he was not enough man for me. I needed and deserved to have a strong and REAL man, not someone who was weak enough to cheat on me.

I did consider reconciliation for a few seconds, but I just knew in my heart, I deserved to be treated with respect and admiration. I loved myself more than anything to allow someone to do that to disrespect me time and time again. Sure, I could have made it work taken him back…but someone did tell me…once a cheater always a cheater…and those words have never left my mind.

What did you learn from your experience?
Wow! I learned to love myself. I was going to the gym twice a day during the marriage and I never gave it a thought that I was too fat or not pretty enough. I learned what I would and would not tolerate in a relationship. I learned the hard way that I needed to be treated with respect and admiration. Learned to trust myself. My instinct will not let me down. Follow my gut and I can’t go wrong. Most of all, I learned that love isn’t just a word it is all action. So, when someone says, ”I love you”…I say prove it!

Nina – thank you for your courage in sharing your story.
What stands out in her experience? And, what can you learn from her situation?

Sarah – “I Was Cheated On…and then I Cheated”

On July 21st, 2010 / Relationships / Leave a comment

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Sarah – “I Was Cheated On…and then I Cheated”

Were you married or dating when you were cheated on? Dating. We were together on and off for 7 years.

Tell us about the condition of the relationship before the other person strayed.
I thought things were great. I thought we were happy and everything seemed like a good relationship. We saw each other almost everyday. Spoke on the phone. Then he started to pull back. Phone calls left unanswered. Flaking on dates.

How did their affair impact your life – both during and after the relationship?
I was broken and hurt. I had a lot of issues before and it caused them to resurface. I felt neglected and unwanted. I did not feel like I was good enough. Like I would never be enough for someone. Both during and after I started to have trust issues. I did before because he had cheated on me. But it became worse when I “payed him back.” I started to feel like every phone call, every girl, was someone he had slept with. It was horrible.

Tell us about the condition of your heart and your frame of mind when you initiated a connection with someone else.
The guy I became interested in was a close friend. He was there for me when my boyfriend was not. I became very vengeful and vindictive. I found comfort in “my friend” and would spend time with him when my boyfriend had flaked.

Did the affair live up to your expectations? Why or why not?
No. I do not think it could. An affair is never done for the right reasons. It is done out of hurt and anger. The person I had the affair with developed genuine feelings for me. I ended up ruining our friendship and hurting him deeply.

Did you reconcile with the person who cheated on you?
If not, why not? If so, how did the reconciliation come about?
He, to this day, will not admit he ever cheated on me. But I know of numerous affairs and am actually really close with one of the ladies he cheated on me with. I would be more than willing to forgive and forget, if he would admit and apologize. I have not spoken to him in a few months.

Recently, I asked him to forgive me for my actions. I told him that I was sorry and I knew to move on and let go I needed his forgiveness. He was unwilling to give it to me. He is also unwilling to admit the numerous affairs he had.

What did you learn from the experience?
I have learned that sometimes people live in fantasy worlds and their indiscretions are not there if they do not admit to them. For me, the healing process was admitting and taking responsibility for my wrong doing and asking him for forgiveness. For him, it is all denial. I know now that letting go of him was the best thing I could do for our children and myself. He is not at a place where he is willing to grow up. But I pray for him every night. That God would soften his heart and bring him back to him.

I also learned that being sexually involved with someone before marriage is a very BAD idea. It develops attachments that are unhealthy. We had 2 children. And he is currently not involved in our lives. My heart has been broken and I have put my kids through hell and back trying to work things out. My infidelity caused a lot of problems. And I realize now instead of getting even (in my mind what I was doing) I should’ve just stopped the relationship. It would have saved a lot of pain and frustration.