David Trotter – Author, Speaker, Consultant

photo by David Trotter

As my family headed back to school this week, I could feel the stress level rising in my home. With Emerson going into 2nd grade at one school, Waverly entering middle school, and Laura teaching kindergarten at a third school, it felt like we were all going in separate directions…leaving me to work out of my home office.

In our “first marriage,” Laura handled most all of the household duties (including managing the care of our kids). Now, I’m trying to assist (and even lead the way) as I can. After years of having “Mommy” help them out, Waverly and Emerson are more prone to going to Laura for everything. I find myself jumping in with “I’ll help you” more often than not.

Lunch, Dinner, and Laundry
Although I clean the dishes most evenings, Laura has continued to pack lunches, make dinners, and do all the laundry…even after I moved back home. With the new school season in front of us, I really felt like this was an opportunity for me to step up to the plate a bit more. Yet, I was worried.

Would my wife expect me to do these things all the time if I started now?

The inconvenience of getting up early to pack two lunches and thinking through what we’ll have for dinner feels weighty. I’d rather just think about my business clients and writing projects than worry about things that feel like a stretch for me. Unfortunately, this tendency is simply relying upon age-old gender roles that leave my wife feeling overwhelmed and unsupported.

So…on Monday, I went grocery shopping, and I purchased groceries for the week and re-organized out refrigerator, freezer, and cupboards. On Tuesday, I mentioned that I’d pack lunches the next morning. I didn’t commit to doing it for the entire year…just one day.

I felt like I wanted to try it on before I bought it.

On Wednesday, I not only made both lunches, but I made dinner…and it wasn’t too bad. In fact, I liked serving my family in this way, and they responded positively. On Thursday, I did it again…and today (Friday)…once again.  It felt good to help in this way without feeling the weight of a lifelong commitment to do these tasks. The positive results that come with partnering in the basic household duties is extraordinary.

Guys…Try It On!
If you’re prone to letting your wife carry most of the household duties, what would it look like to become more a partner with her? What can you try on with committing to every day for all of eternity?

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animated photo by David Trotter

In my old life, I rarely stopped to smell the roses or even think about tending to them. My new life is much different. Although meds can help slow my brain down below the red zone, I still have to make intentional decision to make the most of every moment. I have to concentrate on remaining present and enjoying whatever is happening around me.

Today is the last day of ‘summer break’ for my kids, and my wife is dialing in her classroom since she is a kindergarten teacher. I had the privilege of accompanying my daughter to her new middle school in order to get her locker and walk through her new schedule.

Two and a half years ago when I left my wife (and kids) for another woman, I wasn’t thinking about today.

I wasn’t thinking about the fact that my kids would have probably experienced today with someone other than me. I wasn’t thinking about all the ‘moments’ that I would be missing.  I wasn’t thinking about the teeth that would be lost, the knees that would be skinned, or the feelings that would be hurt. I wasn’t thinking about tucking them in to bed at night or waking up to their groggy faces. I wasn’t thinking about impromptu conversations or special moments when nothing is really planned.

Thankfully, my choice to leave didn’t exactly work out. Through the pain of a ‘crash and burn,’ I learned to enjoy the moment and love what I have rather than what someone else has.

So…on this last day, I squeezed in the work and phone calls that I needed to get done today for my clients. More importantly, I took Waverly to middle school, enjoyed lunch with both my kids, and had fun on the slip-n-slide. Tonight, my amazing wife and I will prepare the kids mentally, spiritually, and physically for their first day tomorrow…and I’ll enjoy every moment (remembering that I could be living in an apartment all alone).

More slip-n-slide photos: HERE

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It seems as though human beings have come pre-installed with an antenna that’s ever-searching for something. The great thing is that we have the power to aim this device in whatever direction we choose.

Where are you aiming your antenna? What are you looking for in the people around you?

• Negative traits to criticize and judge.
  It’s easy to flip the setting on our antennae to ‘negative’ and start looking for the little things that drive us nuts about our spouse or roommates. From the dishes left in the sink to the hair in the bathroom to even how they chew their food…it’s all a potential source of criticism.
  .
• Positive qualities to affirm and appreciate.
  Another option is to consciously switch to ‘positive’ and begin searching for the healthy character qualities in your loved ones. What do you see within them that you admire? How have they treated you recently that made you feel great? What did they do for you recently that was life-giving?

How easy it is to see the negative…and how powerful it is to point out the positive!

What if you intentionally set your antenna toward the positive today and chose to only notice the good things about the person who is closest to you? And, what if you took the time to compliment them on those qualities and actions? Do you think your relationship would be any different?

Tell me about the results.

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With the release of “Lost + Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair“, Laura and I want to begin sharing some of our experiences from the past two years. It has been a tough road for both of us, and we’ve learned a tremendous amount in the process.

The reality is that most marriages don’t survive an affair.

We feel so grateful to God and one another for the opportunity to keep growing in our relationship through a second chance. Frankly, there were some hard choices that we both had to make in order to even have a shot at developing the marriage we truly wanted. Over the next week, we’ll share via video and text the five hard choices we made during our reconciliation.

1. I Shut My Mouth.
   David gave Laura the freedom to set the pace, and Laura began taking initiative.
   
2. We Looked in the Mirror.
   We dealt with our own issues…not the issues of our spouse.
3. “I’m Sorry” Wasn’t Enough.
   We expressed remorse over our shortcomings and failures in our marriage.
4. We Waded into the Pain.
   We gave each other the grace to process the loss and changes in our lives.
5. We Ignored the Haters.
   We chose to listen to the healthy voices who were cheering us on.

We want to hear from you! As we share our heart and experiences, let us know about your learnings as well.

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In coordination with the release of “Lost & Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair“, I’ve reached out to my readers to share their stories of infidelity. My hope is that you’ll be challenged by their experiences and invest in your own relationship even more. It’s easy to believe that the affair will provide the high or comfort that you’ve been longing for, but it rarely (if ever) lives up to such expectations.

____________________________________

Stephanie – “My Husband Was Distant”

1. Were you married or dating when you became interested in someone else? Married.
2. Tell us about the condition of the relationship before the other person strayed.
   My husband was distant.  He moved across the country for a short term job.  Our son was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, and my husband was in denial and didn’t believe that anything was truly wrong with our son.  It strained our relationship. He wasn’t my soul mate. I felt empty inside.  We couldn’t even be in the same room prior to him moving without an argument.  We didn’t want to be around each other.  He worked at a bar at night and often didn’t come home until well after 2am.  He would stay up and play video games.  I didn’t love him the way I should.
3. How did their affair impact your life – both during and after the relationship?
   I didn’t trust him.  It was a blessing in disguise. Once I found out about the infidelity, I had the strength to do grab my own life by the horns and follow my heart and put my life in God’s hands and trust where he was leading me.I truly believe that God created Mike (my old boyfriend) for me.  We dated awhile and things at the time didn’t work out.  We were young.  I then met Paul (ex-husband).  He loved me.  My heart wasn’t entirely given to him because I knew in my heart that Mike was “the one.” I felt like I didn’t have a best friend that I had with Mike.
4. Did you reconcile with the person you cheated on?
   If not, why not? If so, how did the reconciliation come about?
   Paul and I got a divorce, and now I’m with Mike. I am happy.  I feel that I am with the person I was meant to be with.  I feel complete.
5. What did you learn from the experience?
   Don’t marry someone off the hope to love them completely someday. Be patient and have faith in what God has planned for you.  You can’t make your heart love someone.  You can’t force feelings no matter how much you pray, believe or try.

Stephanie – thank you for your courage in sharing your story.
What stands out in her experience? And, what can you learn from her situation?

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In anticipation of the release of “Lost & Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair“, I’ve reached out to my readers to share their stories of infidelity. My hope is that you’ll be challenged by their experiences and invest in your own relationship even more. It’s easy to believe that the affair will provide the high or comfort that you’ve been longing for, but it rarely (if ever) lives up to such expectations.

____________________________________

Gary – “We Were Living in a Fantasy Land”

1. Were you married or dating when you became interested in someone else? How long? Kids? Yes, I was married. I had been married 12 years when I started having an emotional affair that led to a physical affair with my personal assistant. I have/had two children from my marriage.
2. Tell us about the condition of your heart and your frame of mind when you initiated the connection with someone else.
   Believe it or not, I was a pastor of a large, growing church and my heart couldn’t have been farther from God.  I was beyond burnout mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.  I was running on adrenaline, energy drinks and ego.  I had neglected my personal relationship with God, my marriage, my health, and the Sabbath for years and as a result I was was operating in my own power. I thought the world revolved around me.

   
   Because I thought the world revolved around me, I thought my marriage was supposed to revolve around me. Needless to say, after years of neglecting my role as a Godly husband my wife had zero respect, desire and passion for me.  Instead of seeing I was to blame for the condition of my marriage, I started looking for affirmation from other women.  It started with me simply “checking” other women out, that moved to fantasizing about what life would be like with other women, and ultimately led to me finding affirmation in another woman who was also looking for the same things.

3. Did the affair live up to your expectations? Why or why not?
   Yes and no. Honestly, it was the most alive I had felt in years.  The Bible says there is pleasure in sin….for a season.  I was running on emotion.  There was a rush to having a woman who affirmed me, was attractive, who was very sexual, and seemed to be everything I thought I was missing in my marriage.

   
   The reality is though we were living in a fantasy land.  Everything is great when you are running on emotion and don’t really know the person you are in an affair with all that well.  Because you don’t know them that well, you can make them whatever you want them to be.

   I am now married to the “other woman” and while I couldn’t be happier, the fantasy world is over.  The emotion of when we started is over and love has moved from an emotion to a verb.  The expectation of a “Soul Mate” who you live in perfect harmony with is over.  Marriage is work and I understand now that it is worth every ounce of the work.

4. How did the affair impact your life – both during and after the relationship?
   In one aspect the affair destroyed my life.  In another aspect, it changed me in ways I never could have changed.

   I ruined the life my wife and my children had come to know.  I ruined the life of Elena’s (the person I was having an affair with) husband.  I lost my job at the church I started.  I lost almost every friend I had.  My personal life was posted all over the internet and because of the power of the internet, everyone with a computer was able to give their opinion. I hurt people who had put their trust in me.  I went through some of the darkest days of my life. I literally felt I was dropped off at the gates of hell and told to crawl back.  I have no one to blame but myself, but it impacted my life by totally turning it upside down.

   On the other hand, God has done amazing things in my life since the affair happened.  I’m a better husband than I ever was, I’m a better father than I ever was, I understand the importance of balance, and most importantly, my relationship with Jesus isn’t about my deeds and how much work I can do for Him. I truly understand Christ’s love and His plan for me like never before.

   I wouldn’t wish what I went through on my worst enemy but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

5. Did you reconcile with the person you cheated on? If not, why not?
   If so, how did the reconciliation come about?
   No. My marriage had been over for years and this was the nail in the coffin.  The truth is I also didn’t work to allow there to be reconciliation. After the affair, I was sorry for what I did but I also felt justified because of how my marriage was.  Instead of trying to win my wife back, I continued on letting everything be about me.
6. What did you learn from the experience?
   I’ve learned more than I could ever put here. The top four things I have learned are:
   1. I can’t earn God’s love.  I thought if I could grow a big enough church, led enough people into a relationship with Him, etc. that I was impressing God. I wasn’t.  When I finally became broken and realized that God truly loves me because of nothing more than Grace, my life began to be changed.
   2. Marriage is work.  After my marriage ended, I married Elena (the lady I was having an affair with) and as much as I love her, adore her, and want to spend the rest of my life with her; that will not keep us married.  Marriage is work and it is about serving her with everything that is in me.  I’m embarrassed that it took a second marriage for me to figure this out.  Elena and I have talked about it many times and we both agree that if we had worked at our first marriages like we have our current marriage, we would still be in our first marriages.  However, we can’t go back and change that so we work and serve in our marriage to each other.
   3. I learned the meaning of true friendship. It is amazing how quickly the people around me changed.  People I thought would be there for me forever are not even in my life anymore.  I was never looking for anyone to approve of my decisions but I was still looking for people to accept me as their friends.  God has put some incredible people around me in the last year and I understand friendship better than ever.
   4. The call of God is unchanging.  I have the honor of now planting another church and while many people disagree, I know the calling of God on my life.  There will be consequences for my actions for the rest of my life but the call of God has not changed.  No matter how bad you screw up, God will and can still use you.

Gary – thank you for your courage in sharing your story.
What stands out in his experience? And, what can you learn from his situation?

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In anticipation of the release of “Lost & Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair“, I’ve reached out to my readers to share their stories of infidelity. My hope is that you’ll be challenged by their experiences and invest in your own relationship even more. It’s easy to believe that the affair will provide the high or comfort that you’ve been longing for, but it rarely (if ever) lives up to such expectations.

____________________________________

Heather – “One Thing Led to Another”

1. Were you married or dating when you became interested in someone else? Married.
2. Tell us about the condition of your heart and your frame of mind when you initiated the connection with someone else.
   I was angry. I hated my life. He was having an affair of his own. I met someone that was in the beginning, just my friend. Then one thing led to another. He was more real to me than my marriage was.
3. Did the affair live up to your expectations? Why or why not?
   Unfortunately, it did. I later divorced and years later, married my high school sweetheart, but the guy I had an affair with and I are still friends to this day. The affair stopped before my marriage did, but I found everything in the affair that I didn’t at home. That didn’t make it right. I was wrong all the way around in having it. Sadly, I can’t say I was ever sad about what it cost me.
4. How did the affair impact your life – both during and after the relationship?
   It changed the way I saw life. It gave me the courage to leave a drug addicted alcoholic. Not long after that, I found Christ and came to know Him. An affair is something I would not have now. I am in no way suggesting that an affair is a solution to any problem. God took the worst of me and brought out the best in me. If I hadn’t had the affair, the chain of events that followed in the domino effect would probably have left me in a loveless, violent marriage.
5. Did you reconcile with the person you cheated on? If not, why not?
   If so, how did the reconciliation come about?
   No. By the time I had the affair, I already wanted out. I just didn’t have the courage to leave. I was more afraid of being alone than I was afraid to leave.
6. What did you learn from the experience?
   I learned that sometimes we do stupid things. It doesn’t matter if you do the wrong thing for the right reason. It still is wrong. I learned that I am not the only person I hurt when I am selfish. In this case, the person that really got hurt was the guy I cheated WITH. My marriage was over several years before I had the affair. When I left, following the affair, it was only the formality of a marriage that had been over for years. If I had it to do over and could still know what I know now, I would not have the affair. I would have simply left and not looked back.

Heather – thank you for your courage in sharing your story.
What stands out in her experience? And, what can you learn from her situation?

Share This Post

In anticipation of the release of “Lost & Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair“, I’ve reached out to my readers to share their stories of infidelity. My hope is that you’ll be challenged by their experiences and invest in your own relationship even more. It’s easy to believe that the affair will provide the high or comfort that you’ve been longing for, but it rarely (if ever) lives up to such expectations.

____________________________________

Ms. Anonymous – “I Cried For Days”

1. Were you married or dating when you were cheated on? Dating. After my almost 20 year marriage crumbled (another story), I began dating my High School sweetheart. It was familiar, we had much in common & I felt welcomed by him & his family. In High School, I being a very conservative girl did not sleep with him. Being adults was an entirely different ballgame.

2. Tell us about the condition of the relationship before the other person strayed.
You know it was really a good one. We shared a lot of common interests, we worked on his house side by side, loved the same movies, cooked together, he enjoyed my sense of style & humor and we talked about everything.

BUT. BUT. BUT. We began to have neighbors, his family, his friends, my friends, OUR friends over to his house (I lived elsewhere.). Pot lucks, parties, gatherings, holidays. Then something cracked. He started to pull away from people. I am a very community oriented person. He describes himself as a “lone wolf”. Well, if I’d been paying attention – that was an apt description. A lone wolf is ostracized from his/her pack due to BEHAVIOR. Well, DUH. He began to tell me that having people around made it so “He could be Tracked” and it was “Constricting”. Then there were the comments, “What did you say? I mean could you use a easier word? Your words, ideas are too complicated.” Hmm. Again, another signal. Now, for my part, I probably was living the story of the past more than actually being present for the NOW. I had a broken heart, he smelled familiar, right and my memories of simpler times perhaps began to fill in the gaps, when my gut told me to pay attention. I call it “magical thinking” – If I just “wish it to be so”…then…well. you get the idea.

3. How did their affair impact your life – both during and after the relationship?
During the affair. I found clues. He traveled a lot for work and of course was in touch with me as I had slid into the roll of help-mate and was a project manager for mutual clients. Part of my job was to allocate credit card lines – well – I knew the florist wasn’t for anyone we knew and I didn’t have any flowers in my house – so I called the florist – Yep. Easy enough to find out where they went. Still I was “well, maybe it was just a thank you for all the stuff she’s expediting for the houses…” Co-worker in an out of state office. Nice. Then there were the random cards coming to the house in pastel envelopes. The phone call on the home phone in the middle of the night & hang ups…

What was the worst of all this is: IT CHANGED ME. How I became suspicious, wary, always on the look out. Everything he did before had my overlay of complete TRUST. Now, I began to wonder. He still wanted to be with me but there was a something – an energy shift. It is a subtle thing, almost animal in it’s presence. When there is a true connection – “everything smells right”.

The final one, was when I dropped the mail coming into the house, picked it up and a card had slipped from the envelope (no, swear it did). His Mom was with me when SHE opened the card thinking her son for a wild night of passion. He had asked me to watch his child, because he had to stay over one more night at the office. YEAH. Good times. Mom hugged me and had me pack up my little items that were in his house. Told me she loved me for always and this was not the way to treat me. So, now the family is involved. It tore my heart up and out. I cried for days and I still needed to get our consulting work done as it was my only stream of income. I took the gig after my divorce, thinking it would be a good thing to work in a familiar industry again.

He was still my drug. He knew how to press my buttons and I was more than willing to sell my self worth down the drain, just to feel for a moment, even if it was a “cotton candy” moment without substance – a touch, love, something. So, after his phone calls & making up. I went back. This time with the idea that I had to take the shields off my heart and really let myself experience our relationship at it was. In reality AND real time.

The cheating stopped. For a small amount of time. Then resumed with another woman, whom he’d had an affair ( I found this out afterward) during his former marriage.

I let the hurts hit home. I let my eyes see and I let my addiction go.
I lost 20 pounds in the process, or perhaps it was 195 pounds? We sat down, one evening in front of the fireplace and I told him I couldn’t be in the relationship as it was any longer. That I had to choose my self worth, my authentic self and my real authentic needs over the “imaginary story”. That I had forgiven him BUT I must find my way into forgiving myself for betraying my ethics, needs and morals. He wasn’t the “bad” one. I was the accomplice.

I let the door hit me on the way out and have not regretted choosing myself. I have learned that hearts break BUT I did not die from it. That promises made without true commitment are hollow.

MOST OF ALL I LEARNED THAT I MUST BECOME MY OWN BEST BELOVED BEFORE there could ever be someone else in the picture. I learned to be my best own company. To define myself within the parameters of “would I like me if” I did that…And found the company of my friends, to be wonderful. That being the single wheel made me one fine uni-cycle – cause it helped me keep MY balance. I learned that The bottom of the Ocean is – well just the bottom. And If I can muster up just one ounce of courage, I can sprout gills and I can follow the bubbles upward to the Sun. That God’s Grace is present everywhere, even when I hated myself.

I know now, that going through that time, was like being in a crucible – it heats up the rock until the precious metals rise to the surface. The relationship was my crucible. It was up to me to decide when the heat was enough. Out of every situation, when I’ve had the heart to look, I have been gifted with learning. About myself, about compassion and what are my boundaries. It has freed me up (mostly, cause I’m a work in progress) from a crap-load of blame, anger.

Eventually, I made a “wish list” of qualities & character I would want in a mate. Guess what? God took my list made it even better and I stand today with a whole heart to give to my finance. BECAUSE I went through the crucible first and found myself in the process.

4. Did you reconcile with the person who cheated on you?
If not, why not? If so, how did the reconciliation come about?
Yes. We did. He finally told me that he cheated, because I was too smart. I was more than his equal and he needed someone he could control and dominate. I was too much a of “whole” person to really need him. Ironic, wasn’t it? We have remained friends. To give credit, it was because he really tried. And because I kept it within the friendship realm. Boundaries. Boundaries. He is still with the last girl he cheated on me with. And we often run into each other (which was really sucky when I was still processing). I am able to be warm AND MEAN IT. NOT BE ALL Southern in my response “Bless her Heart”. I am grateful all this occurred before I met my fiance, as then my former relationship wasn’t a wast; it truly was an experience of merit. Not me just moving onto the next Chess piece. He told me a year ago that he made a huge mistake in letting me go. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel good to hear that. What was awesome, was within a split second, my heart turned to “GAWD, I’m glad to be free..” And I knew then, I truly was in a yard, garden all my own and it was enough.

Ms. Anonymous – thank you for your courage in sharing your story.
What stands out in her experience? And, what can you learn from her situation?

Share This Post

In anticipation of the release of “Lost & Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair“, I’ve reached out to my readers to share their stories of infidelity. My hope is that you’ll be challenged by their experiences and invest in your own relationship even more. It’s easy to believe that the affair will provide the high or comfort that you’ve been longing for, but it rarely (if ever) lives up to such expectations.

____________________________________

Nina – “He Never Loved Me!”

1. Were you married or dating when you were cheated on? Married.
2. Tell us about the condition of the relationship before the other person strayed.
   He was my best friend. I thought he and I could do anything together and we were a great team. Whatever he wanted to do, we did. He wanted me to be the happy wife and do the housework, caring for the baby, and work…and that’s what I did. A husband is supposed to provide for this family financially and emotionally and the wife goes along with it, so I thought. We went to church every Sunday prayed before we ate dinner, did the Bible study groups, I thought we had a God filled relationship.
3. How did their affair impact your life-both during and after the relationship?
   During his affair, I realized I needed to love myself and listen to the clues and follow my instinct. Being cheated on makes you second guess your value and competency. After the relationship was over he continued his affair and ended up marrying the woman. For me, it made me question what love is and how he lied to me the entire time. Hard lesson learned about love: He never loved me!
4. Did you reconcile with the person who cheated on you? If not, why not? If so, how did you reconciliation come about?
   Absolutely not! I was totally humiliated and embarrassed. I couldn’t believe he would do that to me let alone, our daughter and to our family. Basically, he was not enough man for me. I needed and deserved to have a strong and REAL man, not someone who was weak enough to cheat on me.

   I did consider reconciliation for a few seconds, but I just knew in my heart, I deserved to be treated with respect and admiration. I loved myself more than anything to allow someone to do that to disrespect me time and time again. Sure, I could have made it work taken him back…but someone did tell me…once a cheater always a cheater…and those words have never left my mind.

5. What did you learn from your experience?
   Wow! I learned to love myself. I was going to the gym twice a day during the marriage and I never gave it a thought that I was too fat or not pretty enough. I learned what I would and would not tolerate in a relationship. I learned the hard way that I needed to be treated with respect and admiration. Learned to trust myself. My instinct will not let me down. Follow my gut and I can’t go wrong. Most of all, I learned that love isn’t just a word it is all action. So, when someone says, ”I love you”…I say prove it!

Nina – thank you for your courage in sharing your story.
What stands out in her experience? And, what can you learn from her situation?

Share This Post

In anticipation of the release of “Lost & Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair“, I’ve reached out to my readers to share their stories of infidelity. My hope is that you’ll be challenged by their experiences and invest in your own relationship even more. It’s easy to believe that the affair will provide the high or comfort that you’ve been longing for, but it rarely (if ever) lives up to such expectations.

____________________________________

Sarah – “I Was Cheated On…and then I Cheated”

1. Were you married or dating when you were cheated on? Dating. We were together on and off for 7 years.
2. Tell us about the condition of the relationship before the other person strayed.

   I thought things were great. I thought we were happy and everything seemed like a good relationship. We saw each other almost everyday. Spoke on the phone. Then he started to pull back. Phone calls left unanswered. Flaking on dates.

3. How did their affair impact your life – both during and after the relationship?

   I was broken and hurt. I had a lot of issues before and it caused them to resurface. I felt neglected and unwanted. I did not feel like I was good enough. Like I would never be enough for someone. Both during and after I started to have trust issues. I did before because he had cheated on me. But it became worse when I “payed him back.” I started to feel like every phone call, every girl, was someone he had slept with. It was horrible.

4. Tell us about the condition of your heart and your frame of mind when you initiated a connection with someone else.

   The guy I became interested in was a close friend. He was there for me when my boyfriend was not. I became very vengeful and vindictive. I found comfort in “my friend” and would spend time with him when my boyfriend had flaked.

5. Did the affair live up to your expectations? Why or why not?

   No. I do not think it could. An affair is never done for the right reasons. It is done out of hurt and anger. The person I had the affair with developed genuine feelings for me. I ended up ruining our friendship and hurting him deeply.

6. Did you reconcile with the person who cheated on you?
   If not, why not? If so, how did the reconciliation come about?

   He, to this day, will not admit he ever cheated on me. But I know of numerous affairs and am actually really close with one of the ladies he cheated on me with. I would be more than willing to forgive and forget, if he would admit and apologize. I have not spoken to him in a few months.

   Recently, I asked him to forgive me for my actions. I told him that I was sorry and I knew to move on and let go I needed his forgiveness. He was unwilling to give it to me. He is also unwilling to admit the numerous affairs he had.

7. What did you learn from the experience?

   I have learned that sometimes people live in fantasy worlds and their indiscretions are not there if they do not admit to them. For me, the healing process was admitting and taking responsibility for my wrong doing and asking him for forgiveness. For him, it is all denial. I know now that letting go of him was the best thing I could do for our children and myself. He is not at a place where he is willing to grow up. But I pray for him every night. That God would soften his heart and bring him back to him.

   I also learned that being sexually involved with someone before marriage is a very BAD idea. It develops attachments that are unhealthy. We had 2 children. And he is currently not involved in our lives. My heart has been broken and I have put my kids through hell and back trying to work things out. My infidelity caused a lot of problems. And I realize now instead of getting even (in my mind what I was doing) I should’ve just stopped the relationship. It would have saved a lot of pain and frustration.

Sarah – thank you for your courage in sharing your story.
What stands out in her experience? And, what can you learn from her situation?

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