Archive for the ‘Marriage’ Category

photo by David Trotter

“Honey, I’m going to bed…I’m tired.”

“Okay.”

“Are you coming?”

“Nah…I think I’m gonna __________.”

Fill in the blank. Watch TV? Finish a project? Work? Because Laura gets up before 6am to get ready for her day, she usually wants to go to bed by 10pm, but I find myself wanting to stay up another hour or two.

Prior to leaving home over two years ago, we had a TV in our bedroom, and we’d go to bed together. She would fall asleep, and I’d watch Letterman or Leno and doze off with the TV on. She’d wake up around 2am to the sound of a voluptuous woman luring in callers to spend $4.99/minute to waste their money.

When I moved back home over two years ago, we both agreed that the TV needed to be extricated from our bedroom so that it wouldn’t be a distraction for both of us.

So…instead of falling asleep to the TV in the bedroom, I found myself choosing to stay up later than Laura…only to fall asleep on the couch instead. After a few months of this habit, I got sick of waking up at 2am in the living room and stumbling through the darkness into bed.

My guess is that this very scene unfolds in homes across the US (and even the world) every night. As I talk with couples, I’m finding that more often than not couples go to bed at different times…and even in different rooms.

What would happen if couples starting going to bed together?

Would it increase connection and even sexual intimacy? Would their be more of a sense of partnership than individuality? Would couples be less irritable from actually getting more sleep?

As this school year began, Laura needed to start going to bed early again (10am-ish), and I made the bed decision I could have made. I decided to go to bed with my wife…at the same time. The results have been tremendous…not overwhelming…subtle, but tremendous.

Here are several reasons why I would suggest going to bed at the same time…

1. I am more of a supportive partner.
   I know that Laura feels more connected and secure when we go to bed together, and my choice communicates my support for her. I’m not distracting her by staying up later, keeping the TV on in the living room, or stumbling into bed at 2am.
   .
2. I feel more connected to my wife.
   There are whispered words and tender touches that are uniquely expressed and experienced at bed time. When I go to bed at the same time, those experiences are happening regularly. As a result, we’re closer…more connected and more intimate.
   .
3. I’m getting more sleep.
   Instead of peeling myself out of bed at 6:30am to make lunch for the kids, I’m rested after 8 hours of solid sleep. Now I enjoy watching Letterman, Leno, and Fallon on DVR the next day if I have time. If I don’t, no worries. I don’t need to watch them. They’re simply mindless candy, and my relationship with my wife and deep sleep are more important.

For the past couple of months, we’ve been going to bed together every night, and I’m loving it. How about you? Do you go to bed with your partner?

photo by David Trotter

If I’m truly interested in something, it’s amazing how much time I’ll invest in a project, topic, or passion…essentially becoming an expert within a matter of months. What are you an expert on? I know, I know. You’re sitting there saying, “I’m not an expert anything. I don’t have any certifications or blah, blah, blah.” Yes, you are an expert. There are things you know about certain topics that other people are completely clueless about.

What are you an expert on…?

• Your favorite sport team?
• Your job/career?
• A musician or band?
• A hobby?
• Your kids?

If you’ve recently hit a rough patch in your marriage or if you simply want to develop a more intimate relationship, what if you become an expert on the love of your life? What if you made a conscious decision to get to know ever facet of who they are?

When Laura and I were first dating, I asked her question after question to get to know her better. I wanted to know about her childhood, her favorite foods, and the things that just drove her nuts. (I found out about those soon enough!) Year after year, I asked less and less questions. For one reason, I got to know her well, but I also become comfortable in the routine of our lives.

So…last month, I decided I wanted to become an expert on my wife!

When we’re out on date night or just chatting about our day, I’ll ask her questions that are out of the ordinary. Some of the questions are first-date-kinda-questions, and it’s fun to hear her answers. Even after 16 years of marriage, I’m still getting to know her. I didn’t think that was possible, but that’s only because I quit asking questions.

What if you started asking your partner/spouse new questions this week? Do you think you could become an expert on them?

Yesterday, the whole fam loaded into the swagger wagon and headed due north toward Sacramento to celebrate my Dad’s 60th birthday. On the way, I needed to drop off a $5,000 print job at a client’s office in Los Angeles, and I was stressed!

• We were running an hour late.
• I was dressed in shorts, a t-shirt, and flip-flops (not my usual business attire).
• We hit major traffic due to an accident.

After dropping off the boxes to the client, I took a deep breath, but I was still feeling the remnants of the stress. I was checking email on my phone as Laura drove, and I was in no mood to talk.

Laura would ask a question, and I would give a one word answer. The kids would make noise during a business call, and I would get frustrated. Laura got stuck in the carpool lane behind a slow-poke, and I was a bit critical.

Finally, she had enough.
“Will you stop this!?! Quit being so uptight and stressed! I’m ready for you to start treating me like a princess!”

In our 16 years of marriage, I’ve never heard her say this outloud. In fact, I started laughing because it sounded so funny coming out of her mouth. I loved it though. It was so revealing of how she truly wants to be treated. Believe me…my wife is not high-maintenance at all. She’s the most easy-going woman you’ll find. That’s why the statement was so beautiful. That’s what she truly wants to be treated like.

If your woman was honest, she’d tell you that she wants to be treated like a princess.

LADIES, what does it mean to be treated like a princess?
GUYS, how would this perspective change your attitude and actions?

So, you’re wondering if your man may be cheating on you? That may be a good thing to worry about. Here are a few signs that could indicate your husband is connecting with another woman…at least setting himself up for the opportunity.

1. He joins the gym and starts losing that gut.
   Let’s face it. Who wants to have an affair with a guy whose gut is hanging over his belt? Not many people. Guys become extremely self-conscious when they’re looking to play the field. Your man may have been packing on the pounds for years, but all of a sudden, he’s interested in his health. In fact, I lost 35 pounds on the “affair and divorce” diet. I packed ALL 35 pounds back on until just recently when I’ve shed 20 pounds again by modifying my diet.Guys, let’s not use this an excuse to NOT hit the gym. I can hear it now…”I don’t want to cause my wife to think I’m having an affair.” Go ahead…get in shape, but keep your eyes on your own lady.
2. He starts charging his phone in a “private” location.
   If your man has the possibility of getting a phone call or text message from his new lady, he wants to make sure that his phone is well-hidden. He’ll keep it in his pocket all the time and never let it out of his sight. When it’s time to charge that bad boy up, he’ll ensure that the charging location is not within your sight or reach.Ask me how I know this. Yep, instead of charging my phone in the kitchen where I normally would leave it, I started charging it in an outlet on my side of the bed. Catch a hint ladies…he doesn’t want you to see the caller id.
3. He deletes all incoming email, voicemails, and text messages when they used to pile up.
   Once again, he is erasing any and all traces of communication. He wants to ensure that nothing can be left out in the open that may trigger a question from you. Frankly, I keep my inboxes need and tidy all the time. Therefore, this one never really would be a trigger in my life. Gals, you know the habits of your man. Be aware if something changes.
4. He starts showering…alot.
   If your man starts showering every chance he gets, catch a clue. Chances are…he’s showering to smell great to a little action with his new hottie, and he’s showering again to wash off the guilt that he feels after he comes home. (Plus, he may be worried about her lipstick, perfume, and any other residues of the relationship.)
5. He buys new underwear, t-shirts, and socks.
   If your man doesn’t normally buy these personal items for himself, be aware. This means that he’s either been watching old episodes of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” or he’s wanting to make sure his new lady doesn’t see the skid marks you’ve been dealing with.
6. He is gone for periods of time that are unaccounted for.
   He goes to the gym but doesn’t come home sweaty. He goes out for a smoke but doesn’t smell like cigarettes. He goes out for groceries and only comes home with one bag after four hours. Are you seeing the pattern? He’ll do anything possible in order to get out of the house so he can have time to make a phone call, text, or connect with the other gal.
7. He uses quiet voice on the phone or hangs up quickly…or simply sends the call to voicemail.
   “I can’t talk now…gotta go.” That’s a problem…be aware. My first question would be, “Oh…who was that honey?” Look for darting eyes and beads of sweat appearing on his forehead. He’ll be red in the face and stressing out.
8. He starts keeping his car really clean.
   If he used to have fast-food cups, old newspapers, and sweaty gym clothes in his car…and now the thing is immaculate, you better pick up on the signal. He’s wanting the other gal to have a great experience when she’s making out with him in the backseat as they’re parked in a secluded parking lot. Or, maybe he went to a recent “How to Keep Your Car Clean” seminar. Maybe that’s it.
9. He spends a large amount of time online…especially after you go to bed.
   Thanks to Facebook instant messaging, Skype, and iChat, guys can connect with their lovely ladies via computer from anywhere in the world. Does he stay up to do work after you go to bed? Does he try to sneak into bed without making a sound? Well, four options…he’s really doing work, he’s gambling online, he’s looking at porn, or he’s hooking up with another gal. You choose.
10. He’s emotionally unavailable at home.
    If your husband is “checked out” when he’s at home, you’ve got a major problem. Either, he’s having an affair or he’s just not into you or the family…and he’s setting himself up to have an affair. Numbing out on TV, the Internet, or anything else is a sure sign that he’s not “present” in the relationship. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s cheating on you, but it does mean that your relationship needs help.

If one of these signs is showing up in your man’s life, I wouldn’t be that worried. If you see several of these signs lining up or a pattern of erratic or new behavior, keep your eye on him.

Frankly, men don’t want to be asked the “A” question, “Are you having an AFFAIR?” It’s the worst question to be asked, so we’ll avoid it at all cost. Gals, heads up…if you ask, we’ll deny it every time. My advice…don’t even ask. Just start picking up on the signals, and I’ll give you “Five Ways to Test Your Husband’s Heart” later this week.

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In preparation for the release of my new book “Lost & Found“, I’ll be addressing the topic of affairs and infidelity over the next few weeks. If you have a question you’d like me to address, email me.

Listen to the words of my wife in the Afterword from my upcoming book “Lost & Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair” (to be released in August 2010)…

I never thought that I would have to worry about my husband cheating on me. We seemed to have a good marriage, and we rarely had an argument. We built a great life together…two beautiful kids, a wonderful home, and a church that loved and supported us before this all happened.

I knew that Dave was getting burned out with his role as the pastor of our church. I listened intently and wanted him to feel less stressed, but it only seemed to intensify as the years went on. He was running so fast and pushing so hard, but I had no idea this could happen. When he went to India in February of 2008, I had no idea that he was going to hit his breaking point, and things would never be the same again. Living through an affair and then choosing to reconcile is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face.

You probably don’t think you have to worry about it either. My wife didn’t…and she was wrong. Conservative estimates are that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. It could be happening to you right now, and you don’t even know it.

He could be flirting with the young girl at the office.
He may be listening to his assistant’s marital challenges with a sympathetic ear.
He might be messaging with an old college girlfriend on Facebook.

You don’t know what he’s doing in his spare time, do you?
Have you ever been cheated on? How did you find out?
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In preparation for the release of my new book “Lost & Found“, I’ll be addressing the topic of affairs and infidelity over the next few weeks. If you have a question you’d like me to address, email me. Tomorrow, I’ll share “10 Signs That Your Man May Be Cheating.”