Archive for the ‘Life Learning’ Category

As John and I walked down the snowy streets of Manhattan, we were scanning for a restaurant that wasn’t too crowded. Italian, Thai, Chinese, or Mexican? We hadn’t ventured into a Mexican restaurant on our trip yet, so we thought we’d give one a try.

“20-30 minute wait,” the hostess said.

We didn’t want Mexican food that much…so we thought we’d give the Italian place next door a try – “Osso Buco.”

After checking out coats in with the “coat girl,” John and I were led up a few stairs to a mid-level seating area. There were three tables side by side…each designed for two people each. With one couple already seated on the right, we were invited to sit at the middle table.

“Can we have this table?” I asked as I pointed to the table farthest away from the couple already seated.
“That table is reserved,” we were told.

There’s something about sitting extremely close to another party that feels a bit awkward to me.

“Don’t worry…we won’t listen in on your conversation,” I joked.

By the time we were ordering, this couple was paying their bill and on the way out. Soon enough, another 20-something couple was seated next to us. Although I often want to keep to myself, I was in a chipper mood, and I immediately struck up conversation.

“Have you guys ever been here before?”
“No, it’s our first time,” they responded.
“Really? Well, you should try…”

The food was excellent, and I had no problem suggesting what we had ordered. You’d think that our conversation would stop there, but it didn’t. We talked about the face that they met each other while working at another Italian restaurant. We chatted about their jobs, where they moved from, and where they live now.

As John was enjoying the pasta, I kept asking questions…and they kept answering them. Well, most of them.

“So, what’s keeping you from putting a ring on her finger?”

Awkward silence…then laughter.
“Yeah, what is the hold up?” she asked her boyfriend.

Our playful banter plunged into a soulful conversation about life, marriage, hopes, dreams, and our upbringing. My “life coach” questions were initially meant to be playful, but something was happening.

A connection was forming.

By this time, an older couple sat down at the “reserved” table, and we struck up a conversation with them. They reserved the same table every Saturday night. It was their spot. Soon enough, I introduced both couples to one another, and all six of us were connecting about life and business.

“Do you guys like cupcakes? I saw this great little cupcake shop down the street. Why don’t I get some for all of us?”

Before the waiter knew it, I was sneaking six cupcakes into the restaurant, and our new friends were pleasantly surprised by my gesture.

What was happening?
Why were we connecting in this way?

It turned out that the younger couple was heading to a movie after what was their Valentine’s Day dinner (a day early), and they invited us to join them. Not only did we go to the movie with Zak and Kristin that night, but we connected with him for coffee a couple of days later at the cafe in NY where he works. And, on Tuesday, we all went to a Broadway show and dinner together.

They were complete strangers on Saturday night…but something had changed.

Our conversation on Tuesday night continued to go deeper about relationships and the possibilities for both of their careers. By the end of the evening, I felt such a strong care for both of them, and I truly hoped that we’d see each other again.

As we walked outside to head toward different subway entrances, we embraced one another with an understanding that we had just experienced unexpected friendship.

I’m glad we didn’t wait for Mexican food that night.

I’ve dealt with my share of criticism over the course of my life. Ironically, most of it has come directly from my own head. Most of us type-A personalities are harder on ourselves than anyone else could possibly be. Although things have significantly changed in my outlook more recently, I spent most of my adult life pushing myself toward perfection…in graduate school, in the workplace, and in ministry.

Dealing with self-criticism can be debilitating enough, but it’s even less fun when those around me join in and start to sing harmony to the tune of “I Suck More Than Everyone Else.”

In reaction to my own poor behavior a couple of years ago, I’ve experienced a wide variety of criticism from others…from out-right attacks on the web (and my front sidewalk) to slander behind my back to veiled allusions more recently. Through it all, I’ve learned a few things about how to deal with criticism and the people who dole it out.

• Avoid the temption to respond to critics.
  The first time I saw a blog post attacking me I wanted to leave a defensive comment, email the author, or just call them on their cellphone directly. I wanted to list off all the ways that they were short-sighted, rude, and just plain wrong. It would have been a worthless effort. Most people who are being critical feel ‘less than’ in some way, and criticizing another person is their way to feel better about themselves. When someone puts you down, they are simultaneously trying to lift themselves up. When we start to understand how weak someone feels, then their criticism just comes off as a childish, playground attack. The truth is…defending yourself rarely comes off as anything more than defensiveness. If someone is genuinely interested in dialogue, growth, and transformation, let’s talk. If they’re throwing spears, resist the temptation to pick them up and throw them back.
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• Receive the criticism as ‘information’ – nothing more, nothing less.
  I can choose how I’ll receive any information that is directed toward me. If I receive the negative words as an attack on who I am, then I’ll feel the crushing weight of the communication. I may skip right over the pain of the moment and immediately amp up with anger. Most of us assume that the only way to beat criticism is by matching negativity with more negativity. Yet, if I choose to receive the criticism as ‘information’ that the other person is directing my way, I have the option to respond in a myriad of ways. The information may tell me that the other person is hurting from something I’ve done (or something they’ve experienced in the past). The other person may be ‘informing’ me that they are feeling worthless about themselves, and they’ve chosen to take it out on me. Or, they may be telling me that they don’t know how to handle something about my own behavior or approach to life. Remember, it is simply information.
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• Choose to embrace both your strengths and weaknesses.
  What allows me to receive the criticism as ‘information’ is my choice to embrace all of my strengths and weaknesses. The more I am comfortable with who I am…the less that the ‘information’ can knock me down. If someone says that I can be direct and insensitive, I simply receive this as information, because I have already embraced that this can be true of my personality. It doesn’t shock me or disturb me, because I’ve accepted that about myself (and I continue to work on being more sensitive). If another person criticizes me in the area of leadership, I recognize the information that they are giving me. Since I’ve embraced leadership as one of my strengths, their comments don’t need to be a painful, personal attack. In fact, I can realize that I am actually strong in that area, and I’m continuing to grow…no matter what they’ve said in the moment. If I haven’t embraced all of who I am, someone’s criticism will likely knock me over without a strong foundation of self-knowledge and understanding. Embrace who you are, and the criticism will just be information.
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• Listen closely to those who have your best interest in mind.
  Although I may receive criticism as mere information, I choose to listen most closely to those who truly love me. I’ve found that those who shouted my praises the loudest over the first 5 years of leading a church are now some of my loudest critics. How fickle people can be! Yet, I have found a small group of people who I believe have my best interest in mind, and I want to listen to them. They speak truth, and don’t skirt around an issue…but they love me in the process. They aren’t rude, self-seeking, or trying to retaliate for something I’ve done in the past. They want me to ‘win.’ For that reason, I listen when they want to share something with me.
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• Bless and pray for those who criticize you.
  Over the past two years, I haven’t responded to a single attacking email, blog post, or effort at slandering me. I was getting a sore arm from patting myself on the back so hard…until we were reading through Luke as a faith community. In Luke 6:27-28, Jesus says, “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” He doesn’t say, “Don’t respond to your critics.” He goes way beyond that and actually calls me to love them, do good to them, bless them, and pray for them. So…I started trying to do just that. I spoke well of people who I know disdain me. I sent them notes of apology with accompanying gift cards (and they sent them back). I started praying for them. The truth is that I’m not responsible for their reaction. I need to posture my heart toward love and grace…and that’s what I’m choosing to do. It’s not enough to choose not to respond. I want to actually choose to love them in response.
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• Reflect on how you criticize others.
  This is the tough one. When someone criticizes you, it’s a perfect opportunity to look within. When and how do you tend to criticize others? You may say, “Well, I’ve never posted a negative comment online about someone else?” Okay, maybe not. How about what you’ve said to your co-worker behind someone else’s back? How about the hateful things that you’ve thought in your mind or said under your breath? Is that really any different? It’s not hurting the other person when we criticize them. It’s merely infecting our own minds and hearts with the venom of bitterness…and it will eventually strangle the compassion out of us.

Although you may not have experienced outright attacks like I have, you probably experience some sort of criticism from time to time. If you’re going to find peace and compassion in the midst of it all, may you be willing to disipline yourself to move away from an angry, defensive response and move toward wisdom and compassion. And, if you really want to live on the edge, start blessing those who curse you.