Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

Last week, I chronicled the 10 Greatest Memories on Lemming Street, but I intentionally left off the crazy ones that you’ll probably have a hard time believing. When we bought this house, never in my wildest dreams did I anticipate some of the things that have happened. See if any of this seems normal to you…

1. Welcomed home by police on my first night in the house.
   To get the house ready for Laura and the kids, I began working on (and living in) the house alongside a painter a week or so before we moved our furniture. After a long first day or work, I left for a few minutes to grab some dinner. As the sun set, I rounded the corner back onto Lemming Street, and five police cars were right in front of my house with their lights on. That was our first clue that things were going to be a little crazy.
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2. Grieved the loss of my neighbor after he was gunned down around the corner.
   Gang members shot and killed my 20 something neighbor as he road his bike home from the market. I held his father as he weeped in my arms in grief. Attending his viewing as the only white guy and his Spanish-language memorial service was quite an experience. (Three murders within a two block area over the last eight years.)
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3. Watched a Russian neighbor do cartwheels in his bikini underwear in the middle of the street at 6am.
   This so-called music producer was high as a kite and would soon land in jail.
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4. Witnessed the same Russian neighbor steal an ambulance and run from police on television.
   After getting out of jail, I guess he wasn’t quite done with his craziness, so he jumped into an ambulance for a joyride. It’s never a good thing to see a neighbor in the middle of a high-speed chase. By the way, that was the last time I ever saw him.
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5. Asked a visitor at my Russian neighbor’s house if he was in a gang.
   I just cut to the chase and asked him if he was “bangin’” with anyone. Let’s just say he fit the prototype. Instead, he was a rapper with a couple of albums by a legit record company. I can’t remember his name at the moment…I didn’t pick up one of his CDs.
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6. Cleaned out a HUGE dumpster full of trash from a neighbor’s driveway and garage.
   A couple of summers ago, we rallied some friends to help a neighbor clean out her yard. We rented one of those ginormous trash units and filled it front to back. Before we even got started hauling stuff off, I helped her arrange to sell an SUV and a non-running van in her driveway. So thankful for the friends who invested financially and physically – what a great experience!
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7. Got an earful from my wife after she watched two pit bulls maul a cocker spaniel across the street.
   When we first moved onto the street, there were quite a few dogs that ran loose all the time…Pit Bulls, Cocker Spaniels, and Chihuahuas. It was crazy, and we rarely let our kids out in the front yard prior to putting up a fence. Laura shooed the kids away from the window and watched as a neighbor kicked the dogs away from the bleeding victim. Needless to say…Laura was a little shaken up.
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8. Regularly turned down offers by salesmen who offer cheese, meat, corn, fruits & vegetables, cotton candy, and even pillows.
   You would not believe the crazy stuff that people sell door-to-door in our neighborhood…including a cooler full of cheese where they’ll slice off as much as you want. How about pillows? Seriously! Who is gonna buy a bed pillow from a guy who comes to their door? (This doesn’t even include the 3-4 ice cream trucks that blare their music down the street every day.)
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9. Staring at 12-foot-high sugar cane that grows in the yard across the street.
   It grows on both sides of their driveway, and it has to be twice my height. Every week or so, I’ll see him cut a bunch down, chop it up in 3 foot lengths, and give it away to friends. They gnaw on it and squeeze it into juice (I believe). Did I also mention that they have a loud parrot, bunnies, and a full-size turkey at one point!
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10. Laughed so hard I cried after hearing that my wife helped a naked neighbor out of the bathtub.
    Our neighbor has back issues and asked for Laura’s number if he ever fell. One day…he called. She responded and heard the shower running. She turned it off, wrapped a towel around him, and helped him into bed. Oh…yes…she…did. My first question, “Did you peek?”

We have had the most crazy experience in this house over the past eight years. Frankly, the street is way more mellow now than ever before. No hoodlums…only roaming Chihuahuas and food salesmen. Let’s just hope that the buyers of our home don’t find my blog.

As we wait on the official word from our bank on the “short sale” of our home, I have mixed emotions about the impending move. Laura and I have been married over 17 years, and we’ve lived 8 years in this house – the longest stay at any of place we’ve owned/lived in. I’ve been reflecting on the wonderful experiences we’ve had on Lemming St. Here are 10 of the most prominent in my mind…

1. Baptizing our kids and some friends in our backyard.
   It’s amazing to think that Emerson was 8 months old, and Waverly was four when we moved into this home. Both of them love God and have chosen to follow Jesus. Last year, we planned a baptism in our backyard for several members of our house church, and our kids were ready to take that step. What a beautiful experience to be with both our kids on that day.
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2. Helping multiple people choose to follow Jesus for the first time.
   As a follower of Jesus, there is not much more powerful than helping other people begin to take that step of faith to follow Jesus as well. To watch neighbors, friends, and our kids take that step, it has been wonderful. The tears, the smiles, the transformation…I can’t wait to experience that in our next home.
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3. Hosting numerous Welcome Desserts where newcomers at our church got plugged into community.
   When I was a pastor, we would host a dessert at our home about every quarter in order to welcome new people to the church. They would meet leaders, hear the vision of the church, and ask questions. Outside of Sunday morning, this was my favorite event we put together, because it’s where so many people got connected in relationships and took a next step toward involvement.
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4. Meeting, connecting with, praying for, and serving our neighbors.
   Over the past 8 years, I married a couple on our street and facilitated the memorial service of a dear woman. We’ve physically served multiple neighbors by working on their property and home. We’ve prayed for (and with) multiple neighbors on multiple occasions. We’ve crossed multiple ethnic/socio-economic barriers including attending the memorial service for a neighbor’s son who was gunned down around the corner. We’ve been stretched farther than I believed was possible, and it has been a privilege (and to our own benefit).
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5. Receiving the physical help of numerous friends on our home.
   Before we even moved in, I had several friends helping with our home (Doug Berry, Jon Gaw, Luke Mysse). Over the years, different people would join me on projects (and more often than not, it was the other way around – me joining them on ‘my’ projects (Jerry Stout, Dave Thomas, James Harrington, Jim Plante, Joe Calderon, and more). I’m extremely thankful for the role that each person played by generously investing in our family by working in and on our home.
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6. Reconciling with Laura and moving back home three years ago after a 6 months absence.
   The biggest mistake (that word doesn’t even come close to encompassing my choice) I’ve ever made was leaving my wife and kids for another woman. During my 6 month absence, I learned so much about myself, love, family, and ministry (and way more over the past three years). After a great deal of forgiveness, grace, and therapy, Laura and I reconciled, and I moved back home three years ago this month. My first night back at home in our bed was incredibly powerful. Grace beyond words.  
   
   
7. Adopting our dog, Lexie, from the kennel and bringing her home.
   After moving back home, we began talking about the possibility of getting a dog. We looked and looked at the local kennel on numerous occasions. We finally found an incredible dog who has become an incredible addition to the family. We all love her so much (even though she licks constantly)…actually, I think I love her the most.
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8. Hosting a house church for two years.
   After moving back home, we tried out several churches and ended up starting a house church with a few friends. Over the course of two years, our little gathering became a ‘hospital’ for all of us in one way or another. I couldn’t believe how jacked up we all were…including our own family. It was a wonderful season, and I’m so glad we invested the time and energy to start and host it.
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9. Decorating our home on a regular basis over the past three years.
   For years, our home was rather sparsely decorated…very little on the walls…or anywhere else. I liked it that way, but I knew that things needed to change when I moved back home. Laura had always wanted family photos everywhere, so I started framing and hanging my own photography of our family. Laura unleashed me to express my creativity throughout our home, and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the creative outlet. Things change every month or so, and I’m always bringing some piece of junk to turn it into decor.
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10. Working from home for the past three years.
    After working 70+ hours a week for years, I now run my own business out of our home. I love not having an office – just a two-car ‘finished’ garage (and more often than not just the dining room table). I’m thankful that I don’t have a single employee – just contractors who I cherish. I thought I would die working from home, but I’ve loved it. I set my own schedule, and God seems to provide for our family in the most amazing ways. I’m not sure what the future holds for my vocation, but I have appreciated the flexibility of working within this home the last three years.
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I’ve always connected with the physical spaces in which I find myself. There can be something so powerful (even spiritual) about the environments we choose to create. Although I’ll deeply miss what we’ve created on Lemming Street, I look forward to the next house that our family can turn into a home.

Last night as our family watched the latest episode of So You Think You Can Dance, Waverly (now twelve) laid her head next to mine on our sectional couch, and Emerson (now eight) climbed on top of me. Wrapped in cozy blankets and our heads nestled into pillows, this is the position that we find ourselves on many Summer evenings. (Laura seems to avoid the dogpile.)

The show may be different (Pawn Stars, Leave It to Beaver, American Pickers, Deadliest Catch, America’s Got Talent, Swamp Wars, or Brady Bunch DVDs if we’re really feeling crazy), but the positions are usually the same.

After the kids were tucked into bed, Laura and I started to settled down for the night. As she turned off the lights, I found my mind re-playing the snuggle scene over and over. Waverly’s hair being tossed over into my face and Emerson’s entire body landing on top of mine. Laughter combined with elbows to my rib cage. Tickling fingers resulting in an eruption of giggles.

To be honest, I have a connection with both of my kids that I’ve never had before. I’ve always loved my kids, and I have sensed their love for me. Yet, something is different now. Our level of connectedness and communication is better than ever.

“I feel like I’m finally experiencing a pay off for three years of investment,” I commented to Laura.

Probably like most human beings, I’m more prone to a quick investment with an even quicker payoff. I want to see instant results – whether in relationships, exercise, or business. Investing on a day to day basis in sometimes mundane ways can feel boring…and even disappointing…and more than anything…painful. What I’m starting to experience with my kids is the result of investing over the long haul…specifically the last three years since I moved back home.

• Driving both kids to school for a year – singing Jesus songs almost every day.
• Driving Emerson to school last year – talking with him (okay listening to him) about all his “what if” ideas.
• Driving both kids to and from their dance classes each week.
• Putting the computer down and snuggling more.
• Sitting at the dinner table, asking about their day, and doing “highs and lows” every evening.
• Taking them out on excursions one-on-one or just the three of us (without Mommy).
• Spending every weekend with my family instead of working.
• Trying to empathize with their feelings rather than strategize about their problems.
• Seeking their thoughts on the season of life our family is experiencing.
• Explaining challenges at a level they can understand.
• Answering the tough questions and having the hard conversations about my own failures.

The truth is that I want incredible results (in most areas of my life) with a week’s worth of investment. I know it may only be news to me, but it just doesn’t seem to work that way.

Earlier this week, I was being interviewed by a producer for a show that is likely to share the story of our marriage, and he asked, “Prior to your affair, what did you want in terms of your family life?”

“Well, I would have told you that I wanted a great family, but I can honestly say that it was never the highest priority…or even one of the highest,” I sadly admitted. “I now know what it’s like to love my family and invest serious energy into developing a connecting family life.”

I’m obviously far from perfect. (In fact, my wife and kids have been riding me for the past week about my all-too-telling facial expressions that reveal more than they want to know.) Yet, I now know the difference…I know what it’s like to make my family a high priority in my life…and I’m loving the results!

Moving is such a fascinating thing to me. Sometimes, I’ll drive through a random city or neighborhood on the way to my destination, and I’ll think to myself, “Who in God’s name would ever want to live here?? Seriously. Someone chose to move there! Sure, the kids didn’t have much of a choice. But, an adult chose to pack up all their crap, box it up, shove it into a vehicle, and relocate. It begs the question…why do we as human beings choose to move?

Perhaps we relocate in order to…

1. Move away from something.
2. Move toward something.
3. Or a combination of both.

In 2003, my family and I had a dream of starting a new church in the communities of Long Beach, California. We knew that it would require relocating from Costa Mesa (where we lived since getting married in 1994) up the 405 Freeway. Based on our budget at the time, we were able to afford a home in Lakewood which we have thoroughly enjoyed. We’ve invested quite a bit of time, effort, and money into the home, and it has hosted more than its fair share of events and dinners.

We were moving toward something.

We were moving toward a dream of a new spiritual community. We leveraged our talent, time, and finances to start the church. Our complete and total focus was on rallying people to be part of the new effort. As you probably know, that all came to a screeching halt 3.5 years ago when I left my family, resigned from the church, and moved in with another woman. (That sort of thing can have somewhat of a derailing effect on things as you can imagine.) No need to go into all the sordid details, but our marriage and family are now stronger than ever.

Most pastors who have affairs choose to move away almost immediately.

They move away from the difficult relationships, painful memories, and the stain on their name. When I moved back home three years ago, I didn’t want us to move. I wanted to keep loving our city and participating in the area in which we had invested our lives. Since so much of our life’s focus has been on helping people connect to God and walk together in community, we knew that we didn’t want to be isolated. We wanted to be part of a church family…

• 2008 – We attended several great churches for a number of months (but it just didn’t feel like a fit).
• 2009 – We started a house church in our own home (which became rather inward-focused).
• 2010 – We started to transition the house church out of our home (but people did not gravitate toward the vision).
• 2011 – We discontinued our house church after two years and tried to plug into a local church (but it was not a good fit either).

A few months ago, Laura and I realized that it just wasn’t working. We didn’t feel like we fit in at the church, and we felt like our time in Long Beach was done. We knew that we were upside down on our house, and we didn’t have a particular next step to move toward. This week, we put our home up for sale. Since Laura has a job in Los Alamitos, we know we’ll need to live 20-25 minutes away or replace her income in a different location.

Without having something to move toward, we chose to put our home on the market to move away.

• Away from the memories of what once was.
• Away from the lack of forgiveness.
• Away from the awkward interactions.
• Away from the painful memories of what happened.
• Away from the constant reminders of disconnection.

Every move we’ve made as a family has been toward something, but we’re trusting that God will guide us toward that next step. There is great loss in this move. It’s a reminder of my own failures. It’s a reminder of the fragility of relationships. It’s a reminder of the loss of a dream. Sure, we can just find a house to rent in a neighboring community, but we want to move toward something.

• Toward relationships that are mutually meaningful.
• Toward a spiritual community where we feel like we fit.
• Toward opportunities where we can invest with our gifts and talents.
• Toward a neighborhood and city where we fit culturally.
• Toward a fresh start with new opportunities.

Depending on when our house sells (and if the bank will even accept the offer), we’ll probably move to what’s familiar to our family – Costa Mesa. I’m more prone to a killer piece of land in Kentucky where we could build a prefab modern home, but Laura and the kids aren’t too keen on that. I also suggested India, but that was nixed right away. After this school year, we’ll be even more free to move toward something…even if it’s outside of southern California.

So, we find ourselves moving away with a longing to move toward…trusting God to reveal it in His timing.