David Trotter – Author, Speaker, Consultant

photo by David Trotter

After getting off the phone with a pastor from another state who imploded his life a few months ago, I came across a post by Carlos Whittaker called “Your Affair Can Only Teach Me So Much.” It’s very similar in nature to Tim Stevens’ post from a few days ago called “Why Is Failure So Sexy?” Both posts essentially ask…

Where are the books, blogs, and communicators who have been successful in their marriages and life in general?

The comments on both posts are interesting. Many people cry for teaching from couples who have been successful in their marriages for 30, 40, and 50 years. Others are nervous that writing about their marriage will somehow come off as vain or prideful. My guess is that a large section of people are just barely making it and don’t have much to share.

Here’s what I think the reality is…

1. There are TONS of books on how to have a successful Christian marriage – most of which don’t deal with affairs or infidelity. Click here for a search on Amazon using the terms “Christian marriage” – over 9,500 available).
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2. Most couples aren’t interested in being PROACTIVE to build an intimate marriage.
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3. Most couples are REACTIVE when something goes sideways…usually extreme fighting or an affair.
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4. When couples are in pain, they are more prone to look for a book that will help them overcome their challenge (i.e., an affair).
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5. There are VERY FEW books on affairs and infidelity from a Christian perspective.
   Here is a list of six prominent books on the subject.

When my wife and were contemplating a reconciliation after my affair, the book we turned to was “Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair.” It was an excellent resource, but I would have never picked it up BEFORE having an affair. And, frankly, I wasn’t prone to pick up ANY book on marriage before I left my wife and family.

I thought everything was fine with our marriage…until I started to awaken to my own dissatisfaction. We rarely fought. We had a groove worked out…I was a pastor, and she took care of the kids and our home. By the time, I was completely burned out on life and marriage, I wasn’t ready to pick up a book by a successful couple. I just wanted out. I wanted to implode my life.

Most people aren’t interested in picking up a marriage book in order to be proactive. We are generally reactive in nature, and we want to gain hope and tools from someone who has been where we are at currently…rock bottom.

That’s why I wrote “Lost + Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair.”

For people who have had an affair, it’s a real-life story of someone who destroyed his life and found a path back home. Since it was released last month, I’ve been in daily contact via email, FB, and phone with people who have had affairs or been impacted by them. The appreciation for sharing my raw story has been overwhelming.

For people who haven’t had affairs, reading my story is a hard slap in the face of what’s possible. It’s a wake-up call to proactively engage in developing intimate relationships. It’s a call from the rooftops to check the pulse of your marriage. It’s a cry from the bottom of my heart to take care of your soul.

So, I think we have PLENTY of books on how to have a great marriage.
We need more people who are willing to step up and tell their story of redemption against the backdrop of their depravity.

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photo by David Trotter

Since the release of “Lost + Found“, I am in daily contact via email, Facebook, and phone with people who have been impacted by affairs. The messages range from spouses who are brokenhearted to adult siblings who are distraught to pastors who have fallen.

Frankly, I detest the term ‘fallen’, because it assumes that they/we were up on a pedestal in some way…above others…above temptation. It’s interesting that the term ‘fallen’ isn’t used very often in the case of an affair except when a pastor or Christian leader succumbs to temptation. Granted, there is a greater sense of responsibility as a leader…especially in the context of a spiritual community. At the same time, this tendency to ‘raise up’ leaders (primarily men) to a status that is other than human is simply unhealthy. (Of course, leaders don’t mind being lifted up…until in mid-fall. Then it becomes less than desirable.)

After a lengthy conversation with a pastor who finds himself in the midst of crisis, my mind is filled with questions. Not many answers at the moment…just questions about how to help pastors in need.

1. Can pastors be coached toward health before a fall?
   The tendency toward drivenness and workaholism among pastors is profound. Is there a way to model, share, and encourage health as a preventative effort? I know that I was not open to hearing advice or admonition to ‘slow down’ or ‘take it easy.’ I didn’t think people understood the opportunities and accompanying pressures I was dealing with. I thought I could handle it…but I couldn’t.
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2. Is a restoration process necessary or helpful for ‘fallen’ pastors?
   I hear the term ‘restoration process’ thrown around rather loosely, and I’ve even seen some books on the subject (although I haven’t read any). Most ‘fallen’ pastors I talk with ask the same question, “Restored to what?” The reality is that most pastors aren’t given the option of being restored to their role in the same church. So, is it a ‘fit for ministry’ stamp of approval? What does that mean? What are the road markers that determine the path? Is it helpful or harmful?
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3. What resources or tools do ‘fallen’ pastors need to experience reconciliation, recovery, and renewal?
   Whether or not these resources are part of a restoration process, what is truly needed? How can a couple be fully supported so that healing is actually possible in their marriage? What about psychotherapy, sexual addition recovery group, brain scan, medicine, physical fitness, and spiritual direction? How about support in the develop of true, intimate friendships? Would a comprehensive ‘toolkit’ be helpful so that numerous resources can be found in one place?
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4. What does a church need in order to experience reconciliation, recovery, and renewal?
   Some churches sweep it under the rug and shun the pastor. Others publicly parade the problem but don’t facilitate forgiveness and reconciliation. Preparing churches for the ‘worst case scenario’ doesn’t seem to be possible. Most churches don’t expect it to happen to their pastor, and they’re caught by surprise. That’s when a church usually starts to flounder about…often resorting to what’s natural for many. Point fingers, blame, shun, and condemn.
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5. How can a greater sense of honesty and grace be nurtured in churches?
   If you’re a pastor, being honest about a struggle is the last thing you want to be. Sure, I can come up with a personal story that reveals a mild ‘challenge’ in my life to help you get the point of the message, but the likelihood of me confessing a challenge to someone in the church. There is an assumption that pastors can’t or shouldn’t struggle. And, if they do, they’re out the back door. Is it possible to nurture an atmosphere of authenticity where pastors can get help for deep challenges in their/our lives.

Questions…lots and lots of questions. I’m sure men and women with greater wisdom and years of experience have wrestled through these questions for years…how about you? Do you have questions?

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photo by David Trotter

I heard someone say the other day…”The best way to avoid having an affair is to keep your pants on!”

I guess that advice could possibly work. Frankly…if you have to tell yourself to keep your pants on, it’s way too late.

When it comes to topic of infidelity, most minds head straight to the thought of sex. That’s what an affair is all about, right? It’s about a secret rendezvous…a random hook-up…a moment of ecstasy.

In my late teens, I remember a mentor telling me, “You’ll have an opportunity to cheat on your spouse. The question will be, ‘Is that momentary pleasure worth the loss of a lifetime of love?’” Although I deeply appreciate his heart-felt warning, the question didn’t work for me.

First of all, it assumes that it’s just the momentary pleasure that I would be looking for. It assumes that sex is the focus. Although that may be true for some men who have an affair, it wasn’t true for me, and I don’t think it’s true for most men.

Most affairs don’t start with taking your pants off…they start in the heart.

There’s an ancient proverb that states, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” The source of life flows from the center of our very being…our heart. This “heart” isn’t the physical object that pumps blood to and fro. It’s the center of your will, emotions, and conscience. A person’s heart reveals his or her true nature and motivation.

The trajectory of my heart is what determines the focus of my love.

If my heart is set toward my wife…loving her, serving her, and devoting myself to her…my heart won’t be set toward another woman.

If my heart is unprotected and roaming about…searching for a ‘connection’ that will satisfy an inner longing…my heart will be wide open to finding anyone who provides me with the slightest bit of nurturing.

What is the trajectory of your heart?

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photo by David Trotter

I have a wide-range of Facebook friends. WIDE-RANGE.
Married. Dating. Single. Widowed. Wish they were married. Wish they weren’t married.

The quotes and posts about relationships are broad, but I do notice a trend among young, conservative guys to post from time to time about “affair-proofing” their marriage. My guess is that their wives hacked into their FB accounts and posted it for them…after checking their browsing history to see if they’d been enjoying porn of some sort.

Affair-proofing your marriage usually sounds something like…

1. Don’t drive alone with a female.
2. Don’t meet alone with a female.
3. Don’t talk about your marriage with a female.
4. Don’t share your struggles with a female.
5. Don’t look at porn.

I had that same list (pre-affair), and it didn’t work. The truth is that when you get so tired and weary and hungry for connection…you’ll do almost anything to get it.

Created With a Need to Connect
As human beings, we’ve been created with an intense need to connect with other human beings. I’m designed to connect with my wife, kids, friends, and new people that I meet each and every day. This connection can range all the way from a simple ‘hello’ to a stranger to playing and snuggling with my kids to making love with my wife.

If I choose to find a certain level of connection in an inappropriate place, the results will be unhealthy and damaging to my other relationships. Guess how I know.

If that intimate, loving connection is missing from my marriage, I will start to look for it in other places and other ways. Some unhealthy ways may include looking for it through the affirmation of others at work, instant-messaging with friends from the past on FB, or lingering with women who I may or may not know.

As a newly-married man, I thought that I simply needed to defend against the possibility of being with another woman by following a list of ‘donts.’ The whole rule about ‘not riding in a car alone with a female’ got thrown out real quick when I was desperate to find connection, love, and intimacy.

Although some of those rules may be rooted in some wisdom which I draw upon, my focus is less on a defensive fortification against temptation when it comes to my marriage…and more on a proactive posture. Instead of affair-proofing my marriage, I’m trying to take steps toward nurturing a healthy lifestyle so I won’t be interested in an affair.

• Getting physical rest and staying healthy.
• Rejuvenating my mind through creative, inspiring experiences.
• Connecting with God through meditation and reading.
• Choosing to work when it’s time to work…not when it’s time to hang with family.
• Sharing openly with my wife about my hopes, dreams, fears, failures, and frustrations.
• Setting aside weekly time to date my wife…concentrated time to be together alone.
• Cultivating friendships with guys and couples who are life-giving.
• Continuing to embrace my identity…which isn’t rooted in my external success.
• Serving others for their benefit…not my own.

What proactive steps are you taking to develop healthy relationships?

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photo by David Trotter

If the signs have become overwhelming that your man is cheating….
If you’ve tested his heart, and you’ve noticed that something just isn’t right…
If you’re wondering how to react…

Here are four different ways that you can respond to your man…

1. Ignore that your man is cheating on you.

   You may find that this is a ludicrous option, but it is one of your ways to respond. A number of women choose to turn their head while their husband gets a little something on the side. Rather than having to deal with the relational messiness of confronting and exposing him, you can simply hope that it all just goes away.You can hope that he gets tired of her, and you can even begin to try to win his heart back. Perhaps you want to “attract” him back to you and your marriage through whatever he values most…sex, food, attention, affection, sports, or whatever his distraction of choice might be.

   When you see lipstick on his collar or hear him whispering into his phone or notice him coming home a bit late, just ignore it. As a side note, there are huge downsides to this option. Have you ever tried this before? How did it work for you? (Leave a comment.)

2. Go out and find someone to have an affair with.

   This is a popular response among many women. An eye for an eye! Some ladies feel as though the option of payback is the best way to give him a taste of his own medicine. As you’re flirting with and eventually making love to that guy you’ve been secretly attracted to, you can have the satisfaction in knowing that your man isn’t the only one who can step outside the boundaries of your relationship. You can do it, too!While the first option is rooted in denial, this option is fueled by bitterness, anger, and resentment. It is an option that will feel incredibly powerful in the process, but there is a huge letdown after the payoff. The rendezvous will be full of energy and passion, but ultimately the drive back home will feel depressing and empty. Have you ever tried this before? How did it work for you? (Leave a comment.)

3. Scream, yell, and kick your man out.

   The moment that your nightmare becomes a reality, ask the dreaded question, “Are you having an affair?” I know you don’t want to ask it, but I know you want to hear him finally admit it. Frankly, he’s going to say ‘no’. Very few guys are ever going to say ‘yes’ to that question. It’s just too painful and embarrassing. We don’t want to admit the fact that we’ve cheating on you, and we don’t want to deal with your wrath.

   In this moment, you do have the option of opening up a can of whoop-ass. Scream, rant, and rave. Scare the crap out of him. Don’t lay a hand on him, but go after his favorite stuff. If he has a baseball card collection, get the matches. If he has a basketball signed by Michael Jordan, bust it out of the case and throw it in the pool. If he just bought a new Hugo Boss suit, go after the bleach. You get the picture.

   Dump all his clothes on the street while he’s at work and change the locks. Kick him out, and make him have to deal with what’s next.

   My wife actually opted for this option. As you’ll read in “Lost + Found“, she found out that I was having an affair when my new woman’s husband called her at work, and I confirmed the news via phone. When I returned from a three day getaway in San Diego with my ‘mistress,’ all my clothes were shoved into 10 black plastic bags. The locks were changed, and I was told to get out.

   I was happy about it at the time, but it did force me to get my act together rather quickly. By forcing the issue, you are making your man take responsibility for his actions and figure out what’s most important in his life.

4. Offer to go to counseling and work on your relationship.

   Asking him if he’s having an affair may not get you the answers you’re looking for. Perhaps you’d like to say calmly and directly, “Honey, it seems as though something isn’t right in our relationship. It has come to my attention that you may be connecting with another woman. This is not acceptable, and I will not stand for it. In spite of this, I love you, and I’m committed to you. I am willing to go to counseling immediately and work on our relationship. Are you willing to join me?”

   I know that sounds so technical and non-emotional, and it may never actually come out that way. But…that statement has the power to set a new trajectory for your relationship. You are clear that the relationship isn’t working. You’ve said that he may be having an affair without accusing him. You’ve clearly articulated your love and commitment to him and your willingness to get help.

   Whether he is having an affair or not, you’ll see if he wants to work on your relationship. If he says ‘yes’ to counseling, that’s a start. If he says ‘no’, then you’ll realize that something is really going sideways. That’s when you will need to get even more direct by asking him why he isn’t willing to go to counseling. If he still resists, you have the opportunity to go directly to counseling and start getting strong and healthy on your own.

   Whether he’s willing to work on the relationship or not, you can! You can develop healthy boundaries, communication, and behaviors. You can do it. Don’t let his potential affair or unwillingness to work on your relationship hold you back from taking powerful next steps in your own life. You can do it!

So…what’s next for you? If you think your man may be having an affair, what option seems to make the most sense in your unique situation?

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In preparation for the release of my new book “Lost & Found“, I’ll be addressing the topic of affairs and infidelity over the next few weeks. If you have a question you’d like me to address, email me.

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photo by David Trotter

So, you’re picking up on some signs that your man may be cheating on you? And, you’ve been testing his heart, and you’re wondering why he would even be interested in straying from your relationship…am I right?

From my own experience and my discussions with other guys who have had an affair, let me share five reasons why many men choose to cheat on their women.

1. Men cheat for the thrill of it.
   Although I’ve never tried illegal drugs before, the ‘high’ of an affair is like no other. The thrill of having another woman be interested in you is a gigantic boost to your ego. If you feel down about life, work, or your current marriage, there is something completely intoxicating about the affection of a woman that isn’t your current partner/spouse. The adrenaline that pulses through your body is powerful and life-changing. It’s as if nothing else matters, and the attention and connection with the other woman is the only thing you can focus on. The possibility of getting caught only adds to the thrill. In a weird way, having an affair is the ultimate adrenaline sport.
2. Men cheat because they’re unfulfilled.
   The desire to experience that ‘thrill’ flows out of feeling unfulfilled in the current relationship…and most likely life in general. Not only was I disenchanted in my marriage, but I was sick of my entire life. This lack of fulfillment isn’t necessarily in the area of sex. It’s oftentimes in regards to emotional connectedness and intimacy. In my own situation, I desperately wanted someone who would give me a sense of completion I was lacking…a greater degree of partnership, more affection, and more nurturing. Although some wives feel responsible in some ways for their husband straying, ultimately it is the man’s choice. He believes that this new woman will finally be everything he has hoped for. Yes, a marriage is two-sided, and both play a part in the degree of connection and intimacy, but he has chosen to find that fulfillment in someone else…rather than investing his energy into his marriage.
3. Men cheat to sabotage the relationship.
   Instead of being man enough to work on their marriage (or choose to end it), some men sabotage the relationship by connecting with another woman. It’s an easy way to require you as his wife to make the hard decision to end the marriage. In a weird way, he’s more willing to break your heart by being with another woman than break your heart by just telling you to your face that the relationship is over.
4. Men cheat to experience freedom.
   Perhaps your man is feeling tied down and constricted by the dynamics of your relationship. He may feel smothered and restrained from being the person he thinks he needs to be. Although this may or may not be spurred on by your behavior, he may feel constrained in a way that is causing him to look for “true” freedom. He wants to do whatever he wants…whenever he wants to do it. He thinks that the ultimate liberation is found in choosing to be with another woman.
5. Men cheat because they want more (and different) sex.
   Some men want to experience sexuality in a new and exciting way. (Did I just write some men? Mild understatement.) There is something intriguing and powerful about the possibility of experiencing something (and someone) for the first time. His fantasy of being with a woman who he’s spent time with at the office or church or a restaurant is a powerful draw. As human beings, the more we envision and fantasize something…the more possible that experience becomes. We start to be drawn to it, and we set up scenarios where it becomes possible. The chemical reactions that begin to occur lure us toward the culmination of what we’ve ‘dreamed’ of…more and different sex.

What do you think? Do these reasons resonate with you?

If you’re a man and you’ve cheated, what was your reason?
If you’re a woman and your man cheated on you, what reason did he give you?

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In preparation for the release of my new book “Lost & Found“, I’ll be addressing the topic of affairs and infidelity over the next few weeks. If you have a question you’d like me to address, email me.

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photo by David Trotter

If you’re wondering if your man may be cheating, here are 10 signs to be aware of. If you notice one or two signs, keep an eye out for what he’s up to. If you notice a few more, you may want to consider testing your husband’s heart.

That’s where it all starts…his heart

It doesn’t start in the head, and it doesn’t start in the pants. It starts in the core of his being…the seat of all our desires. The human heart. An ancient proverb warns, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” The human heart is to be nurtured by searching out true and lasting life. It must be protected from that which offers a false promise to fulfill…and is nothing more than a broken cistern.

All words that come out of a man’s mouth and all actions that emanate from his very being flow from one source…his heart. If you want to know if he’s being true to you, test the source of everything. Test his heart.

1. Look him in the eyes.
   In a casual moment when the TV is off and you’re talking about your day (if that ever happens), look him in the eyes. Stare at him…not with a look of intensity or anger. As he speaks, look at him with eyes of understanding and affection. In fact, look through him. Look deep into his heart.

   Does he look away?
   Does he look back at you?
   Does he ask you what you’re doing?

   Be honest…tell him that you’re looking at his heart. The way he reacts will tell you if he’s comfortable, weirded out, or really nervous.
   

2. Ask him to serve you.
   What have you been wanting your man to do for you recently? Perhaps you’ve been waiting for him to catch a hint and get a clue, but he just hasn’t. Maybe you’ve actually asked him to do it, but he’s procrastinated. Use your skills from step #1…look him in the eyes, and ask him directly.

   Tell him how much it would mean to you if he does ________________. I don’t know what it is. It’s probably something that’s been nagging at you for months. Maybe it’s painting the fence or cleaning out the office or making dinner or taking the kids to school. You know exactly what it is.

   You’ll learn a lot about the condition of his heart depending on his willingness and readiness to serve you.
   

3. Ask him to pray for you.
   If you are a person of faith (or perhaps not), this is a powerful indicator of your man’s heart. Undoubtedly, there are things going on in your life where intervention from the Almighty would be incredibly helpful.

   Are the kids challenging your patience?
   Do you need wisdom on problems at work?
   Is your physical health in need of restoration?
   Do you need God’s help in forgiving another person?

   Whatever it is, ask him to pray for you. Grab the remote and turn off the TV. Sit next to him on the couch, and look him in the eyes.

   “Honey, I’m really struggling with something in my life right now, and I think the only one who can truly help me is God. Would you mind praying for me right now?”

   Notice, I didn’t say praying with me…which insinuates that you may be doing the praying. You’re asking him to pray for you. Another indication of the condition of his heart.
   

4. Ask him what your best qualities are.
   Yes, he can describe the greatest qualities of his favorite sports team or athlete. Maybe he can elaborate on all the newest features of the iPhone. But…can he admire your best qualities? Does he see all the features and assets that you’re displaying on a daily basis?

   “Babe, I’ve been thinking about my life quite a bit lately. I’m wanting to build on my strengths and not focus on my weaknesses as much. What would you say my greatest strengths and qualities are?”

   Wait…wait…yes, this will reveal his heart.
   

5. Ask him to join you in setting goals for your family.
   Yes, this may be a stretch for your relationship or family, but it’s a powerful indicator of his plans for the future.

   “Honey, I’d really like us to sit down and talk about our future…not just our finances…but the quality of our relationship and family. I want to talk about what we can do to grow closer as a couple. When can we do that?”

   If he’s ready, willing, and able to genuinely join you in the process, this is a good indication of his devotion. If he declines, hesitates, or procrastinates, be aware. He may not be planning to be around in the future.

Although you may find it underhanded or devious to even think about testing your man’s heart, you’re doing it every day and you don’t even realize it. As human beings, we’re constantly sending out signals and waiting for clues to the other person’s devotion to come back to us. We want to know if we can really trust the person that we’re with. That’s true whether it’s your man, a close friend, a co-worker, and even your boss.

These 5 steps are simply an intentional process to explore the condition of your man’s heart in order to create a greater awareness of his devotion. Although he may respond with awkwardness, you’ll see what’s going on inside of him. Don’t be blind to the clues that arise, and don’t be afraid to look a little deeper.

Coming Soon – “7 Secrets to Turning Up the Heat”
In the next few days, I’ll share “7 Secrets to Turning Up the Heat” in your relationship. He’ll either devote his heart fully to you or become so uncomfortable that he’ll out himself. Stay tuned!

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In preparation for the release of my new book “Lost & Found“, I’ll be addressing the topic of affairs and infidelity over the next few weeks. If you have a question you’d like me to address, email me.

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