Archive for the ‘Affairs’ Category

photo by David Trotter

It’s not a moment that most of us plan for. It’s not as if we sit around wondering aloud, “Geez, I should really think about what to say if a friend or family member has an affair?” No, most of us would rather live in a fantasy world believing that we won’t come face-to-face with such a gut-wrenching reality.

The truth is…you probably will have that experience at some point in your life. Someone (whether it’s a co-worker, parent, child, pastor, or best friend) may choose to start an emotional or physical relationship with someone other than the partner they’ve committed to loving. When that happens, how will you respond? What will you say?

Based on my own experience (through my own affair and by walking with quite a few others over the last two years), let me give you a few options that don’t work too well…

• How could you do such a thing? (The reality is that it’s much more complicated than you could imagine.)
• You’re going to screw up your kids for the rest of their lives. (Believe me when I tell you that they probably don’t care in the moment.)
• God doesn’t approve of this, and you’ll pay the price for your actions. (I’m not sure I’ve met anyone who thinks God likes affairs.)
• I won’t have anything to do with you until you get your life together. (Being associated with someone doesn’t mean you approve of their actions.)
• You are ruining any chance of ______________. (Whatever it is that they’re throwing away by having an affair doesn’t matter in the midst of the delusion they’re operating within.)

I hear of quite a few well-meaning friends and family who think they can talk some sense into their loved one, but I just haven’t seen it work. I’m not insinuating that you shouldn’t help someone see the ramifications of their infidelity, but most people need to feel the intense pain of a rock bottom experience in order to be jolted out of the powerful grip of an affair.

In the midst of an emotional or physical affair, there are so many chemicals pulsing through the body, and one primary message is being fed into the brain. “THIS PERSON IS GOING TO MAKE MY LIFE COMPLETE. HE/SHE WILL TAKE AWAY ALL MY WORRIES.”

In light of this powerful message, there are several key messages I communicate to someone in the midst of an affair (or trying to break free from one)…

1. I deeply care about you.
   Whether they’re living a secret or experiencing the attacks of their friends/family, there’s one thing that someone needs more than anything else…the genuine care of another human being. Having an affair is one of the most exciting things that a brain can ever experience, and it’s also one of the most painful. Your friend or family member needs to know that you love them and care about their well-being. Some of us feel an obligation to add a “but” to the care. “I care about you, BUT…” The person already knows what they’re doing is wrong, and I’ve found that you’ll only push them away by reminding them.
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2. Help me understand what you’re feeling.
   While many are quick to assume what’s going on in their life, your friend or family member longs for someone to understand. Most people are hungry for someone who is trustworthy to ask open-ended questions and simply listen. Offering passionate advice or correction will likely push them away. Holding your tongue and seeking to understand can be an incredible gift of grace to someone in the midst of an affair.
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3. I’ll walk with you.
   It can be incredibly difficult to be a non-anxious presence in the midst of a challenging season of life, but it is healing to those in need. For religious folks, there is often an assumption that ‘my presence communicates my approval.’ Not true. You can be with someone and not feel the need to continually remind them what you stand for. If you’re walking with someone along the way, you’ll have the opportunity (and privilege) of scraping them off the asphalt when they crash and burn. Walking with someone means calling, connecting, and asking how they’re doing. It also involves not feeling the need to bring something intense up every time you talk.
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4. I would encourage you to go to therapy.
   If your friend is caught up in an affair, they are missing something in their own life and the initial relationship has gone sideways at some point. They need professional help to wrestle with what they’re truly searching for in the affair. Ironically, they have a very positive intention by getting involved in another relationship. They’re probably longing for a passionate, intimate relationship, but they’re inappropriately directing that intention. A therapist can help them process this and hopefully help them re-direct their positive intention toward their spouse. By helping them find a good therapist in their area, you’re giving them an onramp to health.
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5. I’m sure you’ve thought through the consequences.
   They probably haven’t. Well, maybe they’ve thought of a few things, but they definitely haven’t thought through (or experienced) them all. By acting as though they’ve processed the painful consequences, you’re giving them the benefit of the doubt, and you’re empowering them to think about them in a fresh way. Use it as a way to ask more clarifying questions. “How will this impact your spouse when he/she finds out? Are you thinking about a divorce? How will your kids take the news? Have you been looking for an apartment and furnishings? What about the other person’s spouse?” There is a never-ending trail of painful questions that have the possibility of either unraveling the person’s heart or simply pushing them away. It’s your call. Most of the the time, it pushes them away.

Once again, I haven’t seen anyone who has been able to get out of an affair without hitting a significantly painful rock bottom experience. There’s something about the allure of “this person could be my soulmate” that doesn’t go away until you’ve felt the pain. That unbearable pain seems to have an incredible way of opening one’s eyes to the beauty of fidelity and the loving work that’s required to have an intimate marriage.

photo by David Trotter

After getting off the phone with a pastor from another state who imploded his life a few months ago, I came across a post by Carlos Whittaker called “Your Affair Can Only Teach Me So Much.” It’s very similar in nature to Tim Stevens’ post from a few days ago called “Why Is Failure So Sexy?” Both posts essentially ask…

Where are the books, blogs, and communicators who have been successful in their marriages and life in general?

The comments on both posts are interesting. Many people cry for teaching from couples who have been successful in their marriages for 30, 40, and 50 years. Others are nervous that writing about their marriage will somehow come off as vain or prideful. My guess is that a large section of people are just barely making it and don’t have much to share.

Here’s what I think the reality is…

1. There are TONS of books on how to have a successful Christian marriage – most of which don’t deal with affairs or infidelity. Click here for a search on Amazon using the terms “Christian marriage” – over 9,500 available).
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2. Most couples aren’t interested in being PROACTIVE to build an intimate marriage.
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3. Most couples are REACTIVE when something goes sideways…usually extreme fighting or an affair.
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4. When couples are in pain, they are more prone to look for a book that will help them overcome their challenge (i.e., an affair).
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5. There are VERY FEW books on affairs and infidelity from a Christian perspective.
   Here is a list of six prominent books on the subject.

When my wife and were contemplating a reconciliation after my affair, the book we turned to was “Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair.” It was an excellent resource, but I would have never picked it up BEFORE having an affair. And, frankly, I wasn’t prone to pick up ANY book on marriage before I left my wife and family.

I thought everything was fine with our marriage…until I started to awaken to my own dissatisfaction. We rarely fought. We had a groove worked out…I was a pastor, and she took care of the kids and our home. By the time, I was completely burned out on life and marriage, I wasn’t ready to pick up a book by a successful couple. I just wanted out. I wanted to implode my life.

Most people aren’t interested in picking up a marriage book in order to be proactive. We are generally reactive in nature, and we want to gain hope and tools from someone who has been where we are at currently…rock bottom.

That’s why I wrote “Lost + Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair.”

For people who have had an affair, it’s a real-life story of someone who destroyed his life and found a path back home. Since it was released last month, I’ve been in daily contact via email, FB, and phone with people who have had affairs or been impacted by them. The appreciation for sharing my raw story has been overwhelming.

For people who haven’t had affairs, reading my story is a hard slap in the face of what’s possible. It’s a wake-up call to proactively engage in developing intimate relationships. It’s a call from the rooftops to check the pulse of your marriage. It’s a cry from the bottom of my heart to take care of your soul.

So, I think we have PLENTY of books on how to have a great marriage.
We need more people who are willing to step up and tell their story of redemption against the backdrop of their depravity.

photo by David Trotter

I heard someone say the other day…”The best way to avoid having an affair is to keep your pants on!”

I guess that advice could possibly work. Frankly…if you have to tell yourself to keep your pants on, it’s way too late.

When it comes to topic of infidelity, most minds head straight to the thought of sex. That’s what an affair is all about, right? It’s about a secret rendezvous…a random hook-up…a moment of ecstasy.

In my late teens, I remember a mentor telling me, “You’ll have an opportunity to cheat on your spouse. The question will be, ‘Is that momentary pleasure worth the loss of a lifetime of love?’” Although I deeply appreciate his heart-felt warning, the question didn’t work for me.

First of all, it assumes that it’s just the momentary pleasure that I would be looking for. It assumes that sex is the focus. Although that may be true for some men who have an affair, it wasn’t true for me, and I don’t think it’s true for most men.

Most affairs don’t start with taking your pants off…they start in the heart.

There’s an ancient proverb that states, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” The source of life flows from the center of our very being…our heart. This “heart” isn’t the physical object that pumps blood to and fro. It’s the center of your will, emotions, and conscience. A person’s heart reveals his or her true nature and motivation.

The trajectory of my heart is what determines the focus of my love.

If my heart is set toward my wife…loving her, serving her, and devoting myself to her…my heart won’t be set toward another woman.

If my heart is unprotected and roaming about…searching for a ‘connection’ that will satisfy an inner longing…my heart will be wide open to finding anyone who provides me with the slightest bit of nurturing.

What is the trajectory of your heart?

photo by David Trotter

I have a wide-range of Facebook friends. WIDE-RANGE.
Married. Dating. Single. Widowed. Wish they were married. Wish they weren’t married.

The quotes and posts about relationships are broad, but I do notice a trend among young, conservative guys to post from time to time about “affair-proofing” their marriage. My guess is that their wives hacked into their FB accounts and posted it for them…after checking their browsing history to see if they’d been enjoying porn of some sort.

Affair-proofing your marriage usually sounds something like…

1. Don’t drive alone with a female.
2. Don’t meet alone with a female.
3. Don’t talk about your marriage with a female.
4. Don’t share your struggles with a female.
5. Don’t look at porn.

I had that same list (pre-affair), and it didn’t work. The truth is that when you get so tired and weary and hungry for connection…you’ll do almost anything to get it.

Created With a Need to Connect
As human beings, we’ve been created with an intense need to connect with other human beings. I’m designed to connect with my wife, kids, friends, and new people that I meet each and every day. This connection can range all the way from a simple ‘hello’ to a stranger to playing and snuggling with my kids to making love with my wife.

If I choose to find a certain level of connection in an inappropriate place, the results will be unhealthy and damaging to my other relationships. Guess how I know.

If that intimate, loving connection is missing from my marriage, I will start to look for it in other places and other ways. Some unhealthy ways may include looking for it through the affirmation of others at work, instant-messaging with friends from the past on FB, or lingering with women who I may or may not know.

As a newly-married man, I thought that I simply needed to defend against the possibility of being with another woman by following a list of ‘donts.’ The whole rule about ‘not riding in a car alone with a female’ got thrown out real quick when I was desperate to find connection, love, and intimacy.

Although some of those rules may be rooted in some wisdom which I draw upon, my focus is less on a defensive fortification against temptation when it comes to my marriage…and more on a proactive posture. Instead of affair-proofing my marriage, I’m trying to take steps toward nurturing a healthy lifestyle so I won’t be interested in an affair.

• Getting physical rest and staying healthy.
• Rejuvenating my mind through creative, inspiring experiences.
• Connecting with God through meditation and reading.
• Choosing to work when it’s time to work…not when it’s time to hang with family.
• Sharing openly with my wife about my hopes, dreams, fears, failures, and frustrations.
• Setting aside weekly time to date my wife…concentrated time to be together alone.
• Cultivating friendships with guys and couples who are life-giving.
• Continuing to embrace my identity…which isn’t rooted in my external success.
• Serving others for their benefit…not my own.

What proactive steps are you taking to develop healthy relationships?