Heather – “One Thing Led to Another”
In anticipation of the release of “Lost & Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair“, I’ve reached out to my readers to share their stories of infidelity. My hope is that you’ll be challenged by their experiences and invest in your own relationship even more. It’s easy to believe that the affair will provide the high or comfort that you’ve been longing for, but it rarely (if ever) lives up to such expectations.
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Heather – “One Thing Led to Another”
Were you married or dating when you became interested in someone else? Married.- Tell us about the condition of your heart and your frame of mind when you initiated the connection with someone else.
I was angry. I hated my life. He was having an affair of his own. I met someone that was in the beginning, just my friend. Then one thing led to another. He was more real to me than my marriage was. - Did the affair live up to your expectations? Why or why not?
Unfortunately, it did. I later divorced and years later, married my high school sweetheart, but the guy I had an affair with and I are still friends to this day. The affair stopped before my marriage did, but I found everything in the affair that I didn’t at home. That didn’t make it right. I was wrong all the way around in having it. Sadly, I can’t say I was ever sad about what it cost me. - How did the affair impact your life – both during and after the relationship?
It changed the way I saw life. It gave me the courage to leave a drug addicted alcoholic. Not long after that, I found Christ and came to know Him. An affair is something I would not have now. I am in no way suggesting that an affair is a solution to any problem. God took the worst of me and brought out the best in me. If I hadn’t had the affair, the chain of events that followed in the domino effect would probably have left me in a loveless, violent marriage. - Did you reconcile with the person you cheated on? If not, why not?
If so, how did the reconciliation come about?
No. By the time I had the affair, I already wanted out. I just didn’t have the courage to leave. I was more afraid of being alone than I was afraid to leave. - What did you learn from the experience?
I learned that sometimes we do stupid things. It doesn’t matter if you do the wrong thing for the right reason. It still is wrong. I learned that I am not the only person I hurt when I am selfish. In this case, the person that really got hurt was the guy I cheated WITH. My marriage was over several years before I had the affair. When I left, following the affair, it was only the formality of a marriage that had been over for years. If I had it to do over and could still know what I know now, I would not have the affair. I would have simply left and not looked back.
Heather – thank you for your courage in sharing your story.
What stands out in her experience? And, what can you learn from her situation?
My wife's first marriage ended in very similar fashion to the scenario above. The affair continued, unknown to me, after my wife and I started our relationship. Only after we were married was I told that the affair had still been in progress while we had been dating. Three years later, we love each other very much and have a strong marriage overall but our history makes every day a challenge to trust and move forward.
As the "new husband" in my scenario, I'd be interested to hear Heather's explanation on why it's ok for her to continue to be friends with the man she had the affair with. I would think that would be very hurtful and stressful for her current husband. Even if he was ok with it, it seems like that's just a bad idea. Obviously, as a Christian, Heather's past has been forgiven and wiped clean. But continuing a friendship like that seems to me to be like a recovering alcoholic who occasionally visits a bar-they may not be drinking in the bar, but the temptation is always there.
He's friends with him too. Now, I have nothing to hide. Everything I do is in the open. I agree. For most people, it would be a bad idea. Something changed inside me though and it's something I wouldn't do again. The guy I had the affair with has told his current wife the whole truth about me and I am friends with her, as well. It's a unique situation. My current husband has his own past. We knew each other before Christ. We have seen obvious changes in each other-in the way we think, the way we believe, the way we respond… and when you see those kinds of changes and know that they're real, it stops inhibiting trust. When my current husband and I started dating again (he was my high school sweetheart), I told him point blank who he was and he did keep an eye on things for a while. I told him if he was uncomfortable with it, I'd stop hanging around with him. My husband (boyfriend at the time) said no…either he had to be able to trust me or we shouldn't be together. Today, they hang out more than he and I do. It is a rare circumstance, indeed, and it's something I wouldn't encourage other people to do. It's just how things worked out for us. There's no temptation. The affair happened in the first place because he was everything I didn't have at home. Those circumstances have changed and who I am have changed.