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On April 17, 2008, my life was destroyed…or so I thought. She left me. The woman I had been willing to ‘walk through the fire’ with went back to her husband and left me all alone.
Three friends took me to a hotel in Costa Mesa to get away from the apartment that had become nothing more than an empty tomb. It was the apartment that the ‘other woman’ and I leased, furnished, and shared for 40 days of ‘heaven and hell’ after I left my wife and resigned from my role as Lead Pastor of Revolution Church.
As I laid in a hotel bed that Thursday night, I announced to my friends, “This is going to make an incredible story. I’m going to write all about this craziness one day.” I had no clue how my story was going to unfold, but I had a sense that it would be a powerful account of how our decisions can have unexpected consequences.
Letting it Flow
In December of 2008, I outlined the entire book on the plane ride back from India, but it just sat there as a three page Word doc within the protected confines of my laptop. I wasn’t ready to write about it. It was too painful. It brought tears to my eyes just to think about it. As the months passed by and my life took on a new normal, I gained courage to share my story…until one day…I started writing.
With each sentence that formed, I experienced healing within my own heart and life. By authentically sharing my hopes and dreams combined with my rock bottom experience, I was liberated from much of the guilt, disappointment, anger, and resentment that I felt in my own life. To share my story of depravity and redemption in such a raw form was healing in and of itself.
I would spend focused time allowing the story to flow out of me…oftentimes closing my eyes as I typed and recounted my experiences. Thankfully, I had the coaching and assistance of Stacey Robbins to walk with me through the process as I wrote. She was incredibly helpful in asking me tough questions and guiding the story as it unfolded.
I Wrote “Lost + Found” For You
Although I gained so much from the writing process, ultimately…I wrote “Lost + Found” for you if you are…
- Stuck in a life (or marriage) you don’t want.
My story will help you see that your ‘stuckness’ is merely a figment of your imagination. Freedom is available for you in your present circumstances.
- Thinking about having an affair.
My story will open your eyes to the life implosion that awaits you. If it’s possible, learn from my experiences rather than having your own. - Trying to recover from an affair.
My story will give you hope that reconciliation is possible. Yes, he or she cheated. Yes, it’s brutal and devastating. Yet, it’s not the end. Healing and restoration are possible.
- Divorced because of an affair.
My story can give you an ‘insider’ view on how affairs often unfold. Just maybe…you’ll have compassion for your ex. Just maybe…your relationship could still be restored. - Shocked by how someone could cheat on their spouse.
My story will open your eyes to how it can happen to any of us…including you. Don’t think that it’s not possible in your situation. It is. - Rubbernecking at the pain of others.
My story will give you more pain to look at…and hopefully inspire you to quit rubbernecking and actually reach out to support someone. People need you to quit looking and start compassionately walking with them. - A pastor who loves your church more than your wife.
My story will be a mirror to the mistress that you’ve dedicated your life to. Perhaps, you’ll find a way to turn back to your first Love and quit cheating on your spouse.
- A leader who has the power to influence others.
My story will motivate you to use your influence to help the people you lead. Whether you run a business, operate a non-profit, or lead a church, there are individuals around you who are struggling through life. They’re having affairs, and their relationships are a wreck. You can do something about it.
I wrote “Lost + Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair” just for you.
photo by David Trotter
If the signs have become overwhelming that your man is cheating….
If you’ve tested his heart, and you’ve noticed that something just isn’t right…
If you’re wondering how to react…
Here are four different ways that you can respond to your man…
- Ignore that your man is cheating on you.
You may find that this is a ludicrous option, but it is one of your ways to respond. A number of women choose to turn their head while their husband gets a little something on the side. Rather than having to deal with the relational messiness of confronting and exposing him, you can simply hope that it all just goes away.You can hope that he gets tired of her, and you can even begin to try to win his heart back. Perhaps you want to “attract” him back to you and your marriage through whatever he values most…sex, food, attention, affection, sports, or whatever his distraction of choice might be.
When you see lipstick on his collar or hear him whispering into his phone or notice him coming home a bit late, just ignore it. As a side note, there are huge downsides to this option. Have you ever tried this before? How did it work for you? (Leave a comment.)
- Go out and find someone to have an affair with.
This is a popular response among many women. An eye for an eye! Some ladies feel as though the option of payback is the best way to give him a taste of his own medicine. As you’re flirting with and eventually making love to that guy you’ve been secretly attracted to, you can have the satisfaction in knowing that your man isn’t the only one who can step outside the boundaries of your relationship. You can do it, too!While the first option is rooted in denial, this option is fueled by bitterness, anger, and resentment. It is an option that will feel incredibly powerful in the process, but there is a huge letdown after the payoff. The rendezvous will be full of energy and passion, but ultimately the drive back home will feel depressing and empty. Have you ever tried this before? How did it work for you? (Leave a comment.)
- Scream, yell, and kick your man out.
The moment that your nightmare becomes a reality, ask the dreaded question, “Are you having an affair?” I know you don’t want to ask it, but I know you want to hear him finally admit it. Frankly, he’s going to say ‘no’. Very few guys are ever going to say ‘yes’ to that question. It’s just too painful and embarrassing. We don’t want to admit the fact that we’ve cheating on you, and we don’t want to deal with your wrath.
In this moment, you do have the option of opening up a can of whoop-ass. Scream, rant, and rave. Scare the crap out of him. Don’t lay a hand on him, but go after his favorite stuff. If he has a baseball card collection, get the matches. If he has a basketball signed by Michael Jordan, bust it out of the case and throw it in the pool. If he just bought a new Hugo Boss suit, go after the bleach. You get the picture.
Dump all his clothes on the street while he’s at work and change the locks. Kick him out, and make him have to deal with what’s next.
My wife actually opted for this option. As you’ll read in “Lost + Found“, she found out that I was having an affair when my new woman’s husband called her at work, and I confirmed the news via phone. When I returned from a three day getaway in San Diego with my ‘mistress,’ all my clothes were shoved into 10 black plastic bags. The locks were changed, and I was told to get out.
I was happy about it at the time, but it did force me to get my act together rather quickly. By forcing the issue, you are making your man take responsibility for his actions and figure out what’s most important in his life.
- Offer to go to counseling and work on your relationship.
Asking him if he’s having an affair may not get you the answers you’re looking for. Perhaps you’d like to say calmly and directly, “Honey, it seems as though something isn’t right in our relationship. It has come to my attention that you may be connecting with another woman. This is not acceptable, and I will not stand for it. In spite of this, I love you, and I’m committed to you. I am willing to go to counseling immediately and work on our relationship. Are you willing to join me?”
I know that sounds so technical and non-emotional, and it may never actually come out that way. But…that statement has the power to set a new trajectory for your relationship. You are clear that the relationship isn’t working. You’ve said that he may be having an affair without accusing him. You’ve clearly articulated your love and commitment to him and your willingness to get help.
Whether he is having an affair or not, you’ll see if he wants to work on your relationship. If he says ‘yes’ to counseling, that’s a start. If he says ‘no’, then you’ll realize that something is really going sideways. That’s when you will need to get even more direct by asking him why he isn’t willing to go to counseling. If he still resists, you have the opportunity to go directly to counseling and start getting strong and healthy on your own.
Whether he’s willing to work on the relationship or not, you can! You can develop healthy boundaries, communication, and behaviors. You can do it. Don’t let his potential affair or unwillingness to work on your relationship hold you back from taking powerful next steps in your own life. You can do it!
So…what’s next for you? If you think your man may be having an affair, what option seems to make the most sense in your unique situation?
__________________________________________
In preparation for the release of my new book “Lost & Found“, I’ll be addressing the topic of affairs and infidelity over the next few weeks. If you have a question you’d like me to address, email me.
In anticipation of the release of “Lost & Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair“, I’ve reached out to my readers to share their stories of infidelity. My hope is that you’ll be challenged by their experiences and invest in your own relationship even more. It’s easy to believe that the affair will provide the high or comfort that you’ve been longing for, but it rarely (if ever) lives up to such expectations.
____________________________________
Gary – “We Were Living in a Fantasy Land”
- Were you married or dating when you became interested in someone else? How long? Kids? Yes, I was married. I had been married 12 years when I started having an emotional affair that led to a physical affair with my personal assistant. I have/had two children from my marriage.
- Tell us about the condition of your heart and your frame of mind when you initiated the connection with someone else.
Believe it or not, I was a pastor of a large, growing church and my heart couldn’t have been farther from God. I was beyond burnout mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I was running on adrenaline, energy drinks and ego. I had neglected my personal relationship with God, my marriage, my health, and the Sabbath for years and as a result I was was operating in my own power. I thought the world revolved around me.
Because I thought the world revolved around me, I thought my marriage was supposed to revolve around me. Needless to say, after years of neglecting my role as a Godly husband my wife had zero respect, desire and passion for me. Instead of seeing I was to blame for the condition of my marriage, I started looking for affirmation from other women. It started with me simply “checking” other women out, that moved to fantasizing about what life would be like with other women, and ultimately led to me finding affirmation in another woman who was also looking for the same things. - Did the affair live up to your expectations? Why or why not?
Yes and no. Honestly, it was the most alive I had felt in years. The Bible says there is pleasure in sin….for a season. I was running on emotion. There was a rush to having a woman who affirmed me, was attractive, who was very sexual, and seemed to be everything I thought I was missing in my marriage.
The reality is though we were living in a fantasy land. Everything is great when you are running on emotion and don’t really know the person you are in an affair with all that well. Because you don’t know them that well, you can make them whatever you want them to be.I am now married to the “other woman” and while I couldn’t be happier, the fantasy world is over. The emotion of when we started is over and love has moved from an emotion to a verb. The expectation of a “Soul Mate” who you live in perfect harmony with is over. Marriage is work and I understand now that it is worth every ounce of the work.
- How did the affair impact your life – both during and after the relationship?
In one aspect the affair destroyed my life. In another aspect, it changed me in ways I never could have changed.I ruined the life my wife and my children had come to know. I ruined the life of Elena’s (the person I was having an affair with) husband. I lost my job at the church I started. I lost almost every friend I had. My personal life was posted all over the internet and because of the power of the internet, everyone with a computer was able to give their opinion. I hurt people who had put their trust in me. I went through some of the darkest days of my life. I literally felt I was dropped off at the gates of hell and told to crawl back. I have no one to blame but myself, but it impacted my life by totally turning it upside down.
On the other hand, God has done amazing things in my life since the affair happened. I’m a better husband than I ever was, I’m a better father than I ever was, I understand the importance of balance, and most importantly, my relationship with Jesus isn’t about my deeds and how much work I can do for Him. I truly understand Christ’s love and His plan for me like never before.
I wouldn’t wish what I went through on my worst enemy but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
- Did you reconcile with the person you cheated on? If not, why not?
If so, how did the reconciliation come about?
No. My marriage had been over for years and this was the nail in the coffin. The truth is I also didn’t work to allow there to be reconciliation. After the affair, I was sorry for what I did but I also felt justified because of how my marriage was. Instead of trying to win my wife back, I continued on letting everything be about me. - What did you learn from the experience?
I’ve learned more than I could ever put here. The top four things I have learned are:- I can’t earn God’s love. I thought if I could grow a big enough church, led enough people into a relationship with Him, etc. that I was impressing God. I wasn’t. When I finally became broken and realized that God truly loves me because of nothing more than Grace, my life began to be changed.
- Marriage is work. After my marriage ended, I married Elena (the lady I was having an affair with) and as much as I love her, adore her, and want to spend the rest of my life with her; that will not keep us married. Marriage is work and it is about serving her with everything that is in me. I’m embarrassed that it took a second marriage for me to figure this out. Elena and I have talked about it many times and we both agree that if we had worked at our first marriages like we have our current marriage, we would still be in our first marriages. However, we can’t go back and change that so we work and serve in our marriage to each other.
- I learned the meaning of true friendship. It is amazing how quickly the people around me changed. People I thought would be there for me forever are not even in my life anymore. I was never looking for anyone to approve of my decisions but I was still looking for people to accept me as their friends. God has put some incredible people around me in the last year and I understand friendship better than ever.
- The call of God is unchanging. I have the honor of now planting another church and while many people disagree, I know the calling of God on my life. There will be consequences for my actions for the rest of my life but the call of God has not changed. No matter how bad you screw up, God will and can still use you.
Gary – thank you for your courage in sharing your story.
What stands out in his experience? And, what can you learn from his situation?
photo by David Trotter
So, you’re picking up on some signs that your man may be cheating on you? And, you’ve been testing his heart, and you’re wondering why he would even be interested in straying from your relationship…am I right?
From my own experience and my discussions with other guys who have had an affair, let me share five reasons why many men choose to cheat on their women.
- Men cheat for the thrill of it.
Although I’ve never tried illegal drugs before, the ‘high’ of an affair is like no other. The thrill of having another woman be interested in you is a gigantic boost to your ego. If you feel down about life, work, or your current marriage, there is something completely intoxicating about the affection of a woman that isn’t your current partner/spouse. The adrenaline that pulses through your body is powerful and life-changing. It’s as if nothing else matters, and the attention and connection with the other woman is the only thing you can focus on. The possibility of getting caught only adds to the thrill. In a weird way, having an affair is the ultimate adrenaline sport. - Men cheat because they’re unfulfilled.
The desire to experience that ‘thrill’ flows out of feeling unfulfilled in the current relationship…and most likely life in general. Not only was I disenchanted in my marriage, but I was sick of my entire life. This lack of fulfillment isn’t necessarily in the area of sex. It’s oftentimes in regards to emotional connectedness and intimacy. In my own situation, I desperately wanted someone who would give me a sense of completion I was lacking…a greater degree of partnership, more affection, and more nurturing. Although some wives feel responsible in some ways for their husband straying, ultimately it is the man’s choice. He believes that this new woman will finally be everything he has hoped for. Yes, a marriage is two-sided, and both play a part in the degree of connection and intimacy, but he has chosen to find that fulfillment in someone else…rather than investing his energy into his marriage. - Men cheat to sabotage the relationship.
Instead of being man enough to work on their marriage (or choose to end it), some men sabotage the relationship by connecting with another woman. It’s an easy way to require you as his wife to make the hard decision to end the marriage. In a weird way, he’s more willing to break your heart by being with another woman than break your heart by just telling you to your face that the relationship is over. - Men cheat to experience freedom.
Perhaps your man is feeling tied down and constricted by the dynamics of your relationship. He may feel smothered and restrained from being the person he thinks he needs to be. Although this may or may not be spurred on by your behavior, he may feel constrained in a way that is causing him to look for “true” freedom. He wants to do whatever he wants…whenever he wants to do it. He thinks that the ultimate liberation is found in choosing to be with another woman. - Men cheat because they want more (and different) sex.
Some men want to experience sexuality in a new and exciting way. (Did I just write some men? Mild understatement.) There is something intriguing and powerful about the possibility of experiencing something (and someone) for the first time. His fantasy of being with a woman who he’s spent time with at the office or church or a restaurant is a powerful draw. As human beings, the more we envision and fantasize something…the more possible that experience becomes. We start to be drawn to it, and we set up scenarios where it becomes possible. The chemical reactions that begin to occur lure us toward the culmination of what we’ve ‘dreamed’ of…more and different sex.
What do you think? Do these reasons resonate with you?
If you’re a man and you’ve cheated, what was your reason?
If you’re a woman and your man cheated on you, what reason did he give you?
___________________________________________
In preparation for the release of my new book “Lost & Found“, I’ll be addressing the topic of affairs and infidelity over the next few weeks. If you have a question you’d like me to address, email me.
In anticipation of the release of “Lost & Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair“, I’ve reached out to my readers to share their stories of infidelity. My hope is that you’ll be challenged by their experiences and invest in your own relationship even more. It’s easy to believe that the affair will provide the high or comfort that you’ve been longing for, but it rarely (if ever) lives up to such expectations.
____________________________________
Heather – “One Thing Led to Another”
Were you married or dating when you became interested in someone else? Married.- Tell us about the condition of your heart and your frame of mind when you initiated the connection with someone else.
I was angry. I hated my life. He was having an affair of his own. I met someone that was in the beginning, just my friend. Then one thing led to another. He was more real to me than my marriage was. - Did the affair live up to your expectations? Why or why not?
Unfortunately, it did. I later divorced and years later, married my high school sweetheart, but the guy I had an affair with and I are still friends to this day. The affair stopped before my marriage did, but I found everything in the affair that I didn’t at home. That didn’t make it right. I was wrong all the way around in having it. Sadly, I can’t say I was ever sad about what it cost me. - How did the affair impact your life – both during and after the relationship?
It changed the way I saw life. It gave me the courage to leave a drug addicted alcoholic. Not long after that, I found Christ and came to know Him. An affair is something I would not have now. I am in no way suggesting that an affair is a solution to any problem. God took the worst of me and brought out the best in me. If I hadn’t had the affair, the chain of events that followed in the domino effect would probably have left me in a loveless, violent marriage. - Did you reconcile with the person you cheated on? If not, why not?
If so, how did the reconciliation come about?
No. By the time I had the affair, I already wanted out. I just didn’t have the courage to leave. I was more afraid of being alone than I was afraid to leave. - What did you learn from the experience?
I learned that sometimes we do stupid things. It doesn’t matter if you do the wrong thing for the right reason. It still is wrong. I learned that I am not the only person I hurt when I am selfish. In this case, the person that really got hurt was the guy I cheated WITH. My marriage was over several years before I had the affair. When I left, following the affair, it was only the formality of a marriage that had been over for years. If I had it to do over and could still know what I know now, I would not have the affair. I would have simply left and not looked back.
Heather – thank you for your courage in sharing your story.
What stands out in her experience? And, what can you learn from her situation?
In anticipation of the release of “Lost & Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair“, I’ve reached out to my readers to share their stories of infidelity. My hope is that you’ll be challenged by their experiences and invest in your own relationship even more. It’s easy to believe that the affair will provide the high or comfort that you’ve been longing for, but it rarely (if ever) lives up to such expectations.
____________________________________
Ms. Anonymous – “I Cried For Days”
1. Were you married or dating when you were cheated on? Dating. After my almost 20 year marriage crumbled (another story), I began dating my High School sweetheart. It was familiar, we had much in common & I felt welcomed by him & his family. In High School, I being a very conservative girl did not sleep with him. Being adults was an entirely different ballgame.
2. Tell us about the condition of the relationship before the other person strayed.
You know it was really a good one. We shared a lot of common interests, we worked on his house side by side, loved the same movies, cooked together, he enjoyed my sense of style & humor and we talked about everything.
BUT. BUT. BUT. We began to have neighbors, his family, his friends, my friends, OUR friends over to his house (I lived elsewhere.). Pot lucks, parties, gatherings, holidays. Then something cracked. He started to pull away from people. I am a very community oriented person. He describes himself as a “lone wolf”. Well, if I’d been paying attention – that was an apt description. A lone wolf is ostracized from his/her pack due to BEHAVIOR. Well, DUH. He began to tell me that having people around made it so “He could be Tracked” and it was “Constricting”. Then there were the comments, “What did you say? I mean could you use a easier word? Your words, ideas are too complicated.” Hmm. Again, another signal. Now, for my part, I probably was living the story of the past more than actually being present for the NOW. I had a broken heart, he smelled familiar, right and my memories of simpler times perhaps began to fill in the gaps, when my gut told me to pay attention. I call it “magical thinking” – If I just “wish it to be so”…then…well. you get the idea.
3. How did their affair impact your life – both during and after the relationship?
During the affair. I found clues. He traveled a lot for work and of course was in touch with me as I had slid into the roll of help-mate and was a project manager for mutual clients. Part of my job was to allocate credit card lines – well – I knew the florist wasn’t for anyone we knew and I didn’t have any flowers in my house – so I called the florist – Yep. Easy enough to find out where they went. Still I was “well, maybe it was just a thank you for all the stuff she’s expediting for the houses…” Co-worker in an out of state office. Nice. Then there were the random cards coming to the house in pastel envelopes. The phone call on the home phone in the middle of the night & hang ups…
What was the worst of all this is: IT CHANGED ME. How I became suspicious, wary, always on the look out. Everything he did before had my overlay of complete TRUST. Now, I began to wonder. He still wanted to be with me but there was a something – an energy shift. It is a subtle thing, almost animal in it’s presence. When there is a true connection – “everything smells right”.
The final one, was when I dropped the mail coming into the house, picked it up and a card had slipped from the envelope (no, swear it did). His Mom was with me when SHE opened the card thinking her son for a wild night of passion. He had asked me to watch his child, because he had to stay over one more night at the office. YEAH. Good times. Mom hugged me and had me pack up my little items that were in his house. Told me she loved me for always and this was not the way to treat me. So, now the family is involved. It tore my heart up and out. I cried for days and I still needed to get our consulting work done as it was my only stream of income. I took the gig after my divorce, thinking it would be a good thing to work in a familiar industry again.
He was still my drug. He knew how to press my buttons and I was more than willing to sell my self worth down the drain, just to feel for a moment, even if it was a “cotton candy” moment without substance – a touch, love, something. So, after his phone calls & making up. I went back. This time with the idea that I had to take the shields off my heart and really let myself experience our relationship at it was. In reality AND real time.
The cheating stopped. For a small amount of time. Then resumed with another woman, whom he’d had an affair ( I found this out afterward) during his former marriage.
I let the hurts hit home. I let my eyes see and I let my addiction go.
I lost 20 pounds in the process, or perhaps it was 195 pounds? We sat down, one evening in front of the fireplace and I told him I couldn’t be in the relationship as it was any longer. That I had to choose my self worth, my authentic self and my real authentic needs over the “imaginary story”. That I had forgiven him BUT I must find my way into forgiving myself for betraying my ethics, needs and morals. He wasn’t the “bad” one. I was the accomplice.
I let the door hit me on the way out and have not regretted choosing myself. I have learned that hearts break BUT I did not die from it. That promises made without true commitment are hollow.
MOST OF ALL I LEARNED THAT I MUST BECOME MY OWN BEST BELOVED BEFORE there could ever be someone else in the picture. I learned to be my best own company. To define myself within the parameters of “would I like me if” I did that…And found the company of my friends, to be wonderful. That being the single wheel made me one fine uni-cycle – cause it helped me keep MY balance. I learned that The bottom of the Ocean is – well just the bottom. And If I can muster up just one ounce of courage, I can sprout gills and I can follow the bubbles upward to the Sun. That God’s Grace is present everywhere, even when I hated myself.
I know now, that going through that time, was like being in a crucible – it heats up the rock until the precious metals rise to the surface. The relationship was my crucible. It was up to me to decide when the heat was enough. Out of every situation, when I’ve had the heart to look, I have been gifted with learning. About myself, about compassion and what are my boundaries. It has freed me up (mostly, cause I’m a work in progress) from a crap-load of blame, anger.
Eventually, I made a “wish list” of qualities & character I would want in a mate. Guess what? God took my list made it even better and I stand today with a whole heart to give to my finance. BECAUSE I went through the crucible first and found myself in the process.
4. Did you reconcile with the person who cheated on you?
If not, why not? If so, how did the reconciliation come about?
Yes. We did. He finally told me that he cheated, because I was too smart. I was more than his equal and he needed someone he could control and dominate. I was too much a of “whole” person to really need him. Ironic, wasn’t it? We have remained friends. To give credit, it was because he really tried. And because I kept it within the friendship realm. Boundaries. Boundaries. He is still with the last girl he cheated on me with. And we often run into each other (which was really sucky when I was still processing). I am able to be warm AND MEAN IT. NOT BE ALL Southern in my response “Bless her Heart”. I am grateful all this occurred before I met my fiance, as then my former relationship wasn’t a wast; it truly was an experience of merit. Not me just moving onto the next Chess piece. He told me a year ago that he made a huge mistake in letting me go. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel good to hear that. What was awesome, was within a split second, my heart turned to “GAWD, I’m glad to be free..” And I knew then, I truly was in a yard, garden all my own and it was enough.
Ms. Anonymous – thank you for your courage in sharing your story.
What stands out in her experience? And, what can you learn from her situation?
In anticipation of the release of “Lost & Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair“, I’ve reached out to my readers to share their stories of infidelity. My hope is that you’ll be challenged by their experiences and invest in your own relationship even more. It’s easy to believe that the affair will provide the high or comfort that you’ve been longing for, but it rarely (if ever) lives up to such expectations.
____________________________________
Nina – “He Never Loved Me!”
- Were you married or dating when you were cheated on? Married.
Tell us about the condition of the relationship before the other person strayed.
He was my best friend. I thought he and I could do anything together and we were a great team. Whatever he wanted to do, we did. He wanted me to be the happy wife and do the housework, caring for the baby, and work…and that’s what I did. A husband is supposed to provide for this family financially and emotionally and the wife goes along with it, so I thought. We went to church every Sunday prayed before we ate dinner, did the Bible study groups, I thought we had a God filled relationship.- How did their affair impact your life-both during and after the relationship?
During his affair, I realized I needed to love myself and listen to the clues and follow my instinct. Being cheated on makes you second guess your value and competency. After the relationship was over he continued his affair and ended up marrying the woman. For me, it made me question what love is and how he lied to me the entire time. Hard lesson learned about love: He never loved me! - Did you reconcile with the person who cheated on you? If not, why not? If so, how did you reconciliation come about?
Absolutely not! I was totally humiliated and embarrassed. I couldn’t believe he would do that to me let alone, our daughter and to our family. Basically, he was not enough man for me. I needed and deserved to have a strong and REAL man, not someone who was weak enough to cheat on me.I did consider reconciliation for a few seconds, but I just knew in my heart, I deserved to be treated with respect and admiration. I loved myself more than anything to allow someone to do that to disrespect me time and time again. Sure, I could have made it work taken him back…but someone did tell me…once a cheater always a cheater…and those words have never left my mind.
- What did you learn from your experience?
Wow! I learned to love myself. I was going to the gym twice a day during the marriage and I never gave it a thought that I was too fat or not pretty enough. I learned what I would and would not tolerate in a relationship. I learned the hard way that I needed to be treated with respect and admiration. Learned to trust myself. My instinct will not let me down. Follow my gut and I can’t go wrong. Most of all, I learned that love isn’t just a word it is all action. So, when someone says, ”I love you”…I say prove it!
Nina – thank you for your courage in sharing your story.
What stands out in her experience? And, what can you learn from her situation?
photo by David Trotter
If you’re wondering if your man may be cheating, here are 10 signs to be aware of. If you notice one or two signs, keep an eye out for what he’s up to. If you notice a few more, you may want to consider testing your husband’s heart.
That’s where it all starts…his heart
It doesn’t start in the head, and it doesn’t start in the pants. It starts in the core of his being…the seat of all our desires. The human heart. An ancient proverb warns, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” The human heart is to be nurtured by searching out true and lasting life. It must be protected from that which offers a false promise to fulfill…and is nothing more than a broken cistern.
All words that come out of a man’s mouth and all actions that emanate from his very being flow from one source…his heart. If you want to know if he’s being true to you, test the source of everything. Test his heart.
- Look him in the eyes.
In a casual moment when the TV is off and you’re talking about your day (if that ever happens), look him in the eyes. Stare at him…not with a look of intensity or anger. As he speaks, look at him with eyes of understanding and affection. In fact, look through him. Look deep into his heart.Does he look away?
Does he look back at you?
Does he ask you what you’re doing?Be honest…tell him that you’re looking at his heart. The way he reacts will tell you if he’s comfortable, weirded out, or really nervous.
- Ask him to serve you.
What have you been wanting your man to do for you recently? Perhaps you’ve been waiting for him to catch a hint and get a clue, but he just hasn’t. Maybe you’ve actually asked him to do it, but he’s procrastinated. Use your skills from step #1…look him in the eyes, and ask him directly.Tell him how much it would mean to you if he does ________________. I don’t know what it is. It’s probably something that’s been nagging at you for months. Maybe it’s painting the fence or cleaning out the office or making dinner or taking the kids to school. You know exactly what it is.
You’ll learn a lot about the condition of his heart depending on his willingness and readiness to serve you.
- Ask him to pray for you.
If you are a person of faith (or perhaps not), this is a powerful indicator of your man’s heart. Undoubtedly, there are things going on in your life where intervention from the Almighty would be incredibly helpful.Are the kids challenging your patience?
Do you need wisdom on problems at work?
Is your physical health in need of restoration?
Do you need God’s help in forgiving another person?Whatever it is, ask him to pray for you. Grab the remote and turn off the TV. Sit next to him on the couch, and look him in the eyes.
“Honey, I’m really struggling with something in my life right now, and I think the only one who can truly help me is God. Would you mind praying for me right now?”
Notice, I didn’t say praying with me…which insinuates that you may be doing the praying. You’re asking him to pray for you. Another indication of the condition of his heart.
- Ask him what your best qualities are.
Yes, he can describe the greatest qualities of his favorite sports team or athlete. Maybe he can elaborate on all the newest features of the iPhone. But…can he admire your best qualities? Does he see all the features and assets that you’re displaying on a daily basis?“Babe, I’ve been thinking about my life quite a bit lately. I’m wanting to build on my strengths and not focus on my weaknesses as much. What would you say my greatest strengths and qualities are?”
Wait…wait…yes, this will reveal his heart.
- Ask him to join you in setting goals for your family.
Yes, this may be a stretch for your relationship or family, but it’s a powerful indicator of his plans for the future.“Honey, I’d really like us to sit down and talk about our future…not just our finances…but the quality of our relationship and family. I want to talk about what we can do to grow closer as a couple. When can we do that?”
If he’s ready, willing, and able to genuinely join you in the process, this is a good indication of his devotion. If he declines, hesitates, or procrastinates, be aware. He may not be planning to be around in the future.
Although you may find it underhanded or devious to even think about testing your man’s heart, you’re doing it every day and you don’t even realize it. As human beings, we’re constantly sending out signals and waiting for clues to the other person’s devotion to come back to us. We want to know if we can really trust the person that we’re with. That’s true whether it’s your man, a close friend, a co-worker, and even your boss.
These 5 steps are simply an intentional process to explore the condition of your man’s heart in order to create a greater awareness of his devotion. Although he may respond with awkwardness, you’ll see what’s going on inside of him. Don’t be blind to the clues that arise, and don’t be afraid to look a little deeper.
Coming Soon – “7 Secrets to Turning Up the Heat”
In the next few days, I’ll share “7 Secrets to Turning Up the Heat” in your relationship. He’ll either devote his heart fully to you or become so uncomfortable that he’ll out himself. Stay tuned!
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In preparation for the release of my new book “Lost & Found“, I’ll be addressing the topic of affairs and infidelity over the next few weeks. If you have a question you’d like me to address, email me.
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