Thanks to everyone who spread the word about “Lost + Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair” during the book giveaway this week. If your name is listed below, email me with your mailing address, and we’ll get a copy out to you asap. Please leave an authentic review on Amazon once you finish reading the book.
Twitter Winners
Joe Grau (@Frontrowjoe75)
Karrie Millheim (@Mshalo6)
Facebook Winners
Jennifer Webster
Jess Montour
Thanks again for entering!
Yesterday, the whole fam loaded into the swagger wagon and headed due north toward Sacramento to celebrate my Dad’s 60th birthday. On the way, I needed to drop off a $5,000 print job at a client’s office in Los Angeles, and I was stressed!
After dropping off the boxes to the client, I took a deep breath, but I was still feeling the remnants of the stress. I was checking email on my phone as Laura drove, and I was in no mood to talk.
Laura would ask a question, and I would give a one word answer. The kids would make noise during a business call, and I would get frustrated. Laura got stuck in the carpool lane behind a slow-poke, and I was a bit critical.
Finally, she had enough.
“Will you stop this!?! Quit being so uptight and stressed! I’m ready for you to start treating me like a princess!”
In our 16 years of marriage, I’ve never heard her say this outloud. In fact, I started laughing because it sounded so funny coming out of her mouth. I loved it though. It was so revealing of how she truly wants to be treated. Believe me…my wife is not high-maintenance at all. She’s the most easy-going woman you’ll find. That’s why the statement was so beautiful. That’s what she truly wants to be treated like.
If your woman was honest, she’d tell you that she wants to be treated like a princess.
Laura and I have been overwhelmed by the positive feedback from “Lost + Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair.” From people who have cheated to gawkers who are just curious about our story, the emails and messages we’re receiving are powerful. Here are just a few things we’ve heard in the last week…
Sarah – “This book made me want to fight for my marriage by giving me new insight into the situation. There are lessons to be learned through Dave and Laura’s story that any marriage can benefit from.”
Coco – “Trotter takes the reader on a rollercoaster of a journey that’s truth resonates with so many. Trotter’s honesty in detailing his personal account make this book a valuable read for anyone in a relationship who desires to protect their love or for a friend who wants to be there for someone who has made difficult choices.”
Bradd – “Wow…. I got this book in the mail at around 1pm , I picked it up at 3pm to start to read, figuring I would get a chapter done or so, and I simply could not set it down till I finished.”
Gary - “Let say first of all that this is NOT a Christian book. If you are looking for 4 steps on how to “affair-proof” your marriage, this isn’t the book for you. If you are looking for an uncensored, no-holds barred, almost uncomfortable look at the life of a pastor of a growing church who burns out and loses it all, this is it.” (read full review)
BUY THE BOOK NOW – $8.95 (40% off retail price)
TWO WAYS TO ENTER TO WIN:
Help us spread the word about “Lost + Found,” and you’ll be entered to win one of four books. My wife and I are wanting thousands to read about our story of reconciliation so they’ll be inspired and challenged. Will you help us?
On Friday, August 20th at 12noon PST, my kids will randomly select two winners from the Twitter entries and two winners from the Facebook entries. Winners will be announced on my blog, Twitter, and Facebook. Books will be mailed to each winner next week. Enter to win and spread the word!
As many people are beginning to read “Lost + Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair”, we are sharing 5 Hard Choices We Made During Our Reconciliation. These are key ways that we were able to deal with the pain and brokenness in our marriage instead of simply sweeping it under the rug. Whether you’re dealing with overcoming an affair or simply trying to develop a more intimate relationship, we hope these choices may be beneficial to you as well.
Over the past week, we’ve shared these concepts with you…
Choice #1 – “I Shut My Mouth”
Choice #2 – “We Looked in the Mirror”
Choice #3 – “I’m Sorry Wasn’t Enough”
Choice #4 – “We Waded Into the Pain”
Today, we’re sharing the final decision in this series that helped us develop personal health that led to a great possibility of reconciliation in our marriage. Feel free to watch the short video or read a few insights below.
As we began the reconciliation process, there were many people who had opinions about our relationship. Although there were some who were supportive, the loudest voices seemed to be those who were leery, anxious, or simply against us reconciling. Most all of the voices were aimed in the direction of my wife.
“Be careful…he’ll just do it again.”
“I wouldn’t ever take him back.”
“He’s just manipulating you.”
So many people were hurt because of my inappropriate choices and subsequent resignation as the pastor of the church we started. It’s easy for any person who makes those choices to be “demonized” in the eyes of those who are disappointed. Anything you say or do can be misconstrued as evil, hurtful, or manipulative.
It’s been a tough road, but we’ve learned to ignore the haters.
I should rephrase that…we’ve learned to ignore the hateful and hopeless words and hearsay. Our focus is on developing a healthy, hope-filled relationship and helping others do the same. As we see people from our old life out in public, our desire is to warmly greet them…no matter what we’ve ‘heard’ them say in the past. Love conquers all.
Over the past week, we’ve share 5 hard choices that we had to make. How about you? What hard choices have you made in the past (or even the present) in the midst of reconciling a relationship?
As my new book “Lost + Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair” is making its way into the hands of readers, Laura and I are sharing 5 Hard Choices We Made During Our Reconciliation. These are key ways that we were able to deal with the pain and brokenness in our marriage instead of simply sweeping it under the rug. Whether you’re dealing with overcoming an affair or simply trying to develop a more intimate relationship, we hope these choices may be beneficial to you as well.
Here are the first three hard choices we needed to make in order to find our way toward reconciliation.
Choice #1 – “I Shut My Mouth”
Choice #2 – “We Looked in the Mirror”
Choice #3 – “I’m Sorry Wasn’t Enough”
Today, we’re sharing another important decision we made that helped us develop personal health that led to a great possibility of reconciliation in our marriage. Feel free to watch the short video or read a few insights below.
Rather than avoiding the pain, we actually created space for it to exist in our lives. The truth was the both of us were experiencing a great deal of grief, remorse, and loss in the situation.
Laura was experiencing the loss of a best friend, the loss a long list of friends who drifted away as she reconciled with me, and the loss of “all that once was.” I was experiencing the grief of my relationship with the other woman, the loss of my role as a the leader of the church I planted, and the attacks from those who were hurt in the process.
Here’s the key…we gave each other the grace to process the loss and changes in our lives.
We would talk and listen to one another as “triggers” would cause us to feel the depth of our situation. Rather than holding it in or stuffing it deep down inside, we were (and are) willing to process it. It’s uncomfortable to be that vulnerable, but wading into the pain actually made it dissipate as we healed.
As my new book “Lost + Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair” is making its way into the hands of readers, Laura and I are sharing 5 Hard Choices We Made During Our Reconciliation. These are key ways that we were able to deal with the pain and brokenness in our marriage instead of simply sweeping it under the rug. Whether you’re dealing with overcoming an affair or simply trying to develop a more intimate relationship, we hope these choices may be beneficial to you as well.
First, we shared Choice #1 – “I Shut My Mouth” and yesterday we talked about Choice #2 – “We Looked in the Mirror.” Today, we’re sharing another important decision we made that helped us develop personal health that led to a great possibility of reconciliation in our marriage. Feel free to watch the short video or read a few insights below.
Instead of saying “I’m sorry” and sweeping the affair under the proverbial rug, we needed to express remorse over our shortcomings and failures in our marriage. This played out as we spent hours on the phone…Laura at our family’s home and me in my apartment some 30 minutes away.
Laura would call me and pour out her heart about he pain, brokenness, and disappointment she was experiencing. I knew that I couldn’t fix anything. All I could do was listen and appropriately express my remorse and sorrow. There was nothing I could do that would take away the intense agony other than simply listening.
Our discussions weren’t limited to the actual affair, but we spent a considerable amount of time discussing our disappointments over the past 15 years. We talked about my workaholism, Laura’s willingness to sacrifice her own desires and voice, and my lack of ‘presence’ in our family. Sitting in the sorrow allowed us to feel the full weight of the disappointment and motivated us to make significant changes.
In the process, we both took responsibility for the condition of our marriage.
This week, Laura and I are sharing 5 Hard Choices We Made During Our Reconciliation. These are key ways that we were able to deal with the pain and brokenness in our marriage instead of simply sweeping it under the rug. Whether you’re dealing with overcoming an affair or simply trying to develop a more intimate relationship, we hope these choices may be beneficial to you as well.
Yesterday, we shared Choice #1 – “I Shut My Mouth.” Today, we’re sharing another important decision we made that helped us develop personal health that led to a great possibility of reconciliation in our marriage. Feel free to watch the short video or read a few insights below.
Whether you’ve experience infidelity in your relationship or not, it is easy to focus on the issues of the other person…rather than your own. We both committed to looking in the mirror and recognizing our own challenges and shortcomings. If we would have spent considerable time concentrating on each other’s issues, we wouldn’t have experienced personal transformation.
Most couples in crisis are more interested in blaming and fixing the other person rather than taking responsibility for their own issues.
Frankly, one of the reasons I left my wife was because I wanted someone to be my ‘partner’ in this life. I wanted someone excited about ministry. I wanted someone who was adventurous and affection…someone who believed in me. After spending three days in a psych ward and battling suicide for two weeks, I began to realize a powerful truth.
If I want something in a relationship, I need to bring it to the table.
In other words, if I want a partner, I need to be a partner.
If I want to experience adventure, I need to initiate adventure.
If I want affection, I need to be affectionate.
As I initiate those things, Laura has naturally joined in and experienced it with me. I didn’t force it on her or expect her to change. I am the one who needed to change. It all starts with looking in the mirror.
Over the next week, Laura and I will be sharing 5 Hard Choices We Made During Our Reconciliation. These are key ways that we were able to deal with the pain and brokenness in our marriage instead of simply sweeping it under the rug. Whether you’re dealing with overcoming an affair or simply trying to develop a more intimate relationship, we hope these choices may be beneficial to you as well. Feel free to watch the short video or read a few insights below.
Since I tended to be more of the outspoken, aggressive one in our relationship, it became clear that I needed to shut my mouth during the reconciliation process. Laura often took a backseat role in our relationship, and I needed to give her the freedom to set the pace. As I stepped aside, she began to take more initiative in our relationship.
Instead of me trying to push my agenda and lead the reconciliation, I shut my mouth. Although I was able to be clear about my intentions, I didn’t want to manipulate her or cause something to progress more quickly than she was comfortable with.
With the release of “Lost + Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair“, Laura and I want to begin sharing some of our experiences from the past two years. It has been a tough road for both of us, and we’ve learned a tremendous amount in the process.
The reality is that most marriages don’t survive an affair.
We feel so grateful to God and one another for the opportunity to keep growing in our relationship through a second chance. Frankly, there were some hard choices that we both had to make in order to even have a shot at developing the marriage we truly wanted. Over the next week, we’ll share via video and text the five hard choices we made during our reconciliation.
We want to hear from you! As we share our heart and experiences, let us know about your learnings as well.
In coordination with the release of “Lost & Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair“, I’ve reached out to my readers to share their stories of infidelity. My hope is that you’ll be challenged by their experiences and invest in your own relationship even more. It’s easy to believe that the affair will provide the high or comfort that you’ve been longing for, but it rarely (if ever) lives up to such expectations.
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Were you married or dating when you became interested in someone else? Married.Stephanie – thank you for your courage in sharing your story.
What stands out in her experience? And, what can you learn from her situation?
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