David Trotter – Author, Speaker, Consultant

I can do whatever I want.
I love saying it…and believing it.
I can write my own permission slip.

For so long in my life, I felt limited by what I could say or do…wanting to be successful (and appropriate) in the eyes of others. That may sound odd to some who know me (and all my crazy antics), but I carried a great weight of “responsibility” for so many years that I finally got sick of it. I was tired of worrying about excelling in the eyes of others, the opinions of complainers, the grumbling of the self-righteous, the challenge of non-profit finances, and the concerns of leading a staff. 

My “care box” was empty.

In other words, I didn’t care what anyone thought about me or my life anymore. I wanted freedom! I just wanted to do whatever I wanted in this life. So…I did. It was absolutely heaven…and hell. I found that freedom was amazing because of the opportunity to explore and be adventurous. Over the past 2.5 years, I’ve…

• Chosen to express myself through new clothing.
• Lost quite a bit of weight and started living a healthier life.
• Started enjoying outdoor activities.
• Made a healthy living as an entrepreneur.
• Read and listened to communicators outside of my sphere of normal study.
• Developed friendships without needing something from them.
• Connected with my wife and children more than ever.
• Opened my mind to the possibilities of life.
• Deconstructed my view of church and ministry life.

On the other hand, I’ve experienced the “hell” of freedom as well. Without taking responsibility during a few months of my life, freedom was a license to live any way that I wanted without regard to (and in the fact of) the repercussions. Prior to that point, I led so much of my life with a constant awareness of the possible backlash or fallout that I felt stifled and overwhelmed. My reaction was to break free from the chains that bound me (in my mind and heart) to be able to do whatever I wanted to do.

With the help of my therapist and a few close friends, I began integrating “responsibility” – the opportunity to live in such a way that honors and serves those around me – after experiencing the devastating results of freedom without limits.

Freedom without limits results in a self-centered life without regard to how one’s action will impact the lives of others. The truth is that you and I have the “freedom” to…

• Eat, smoke, and snort whatever we want.
• Develop a sexual relationship with anyone in this world.
• Make money any possible way.
• Spend our time doing absolutely anything.
• Rack up as much debt as we want.
• Go anywhere…any time.

If we lived without responsibility (without a desire to honor or serve those around us), we would leave a wide wake of destruction behind us. Some of us have…either for a season…or for our entire lives. The process can be unbelievably liberating, but the results are absolutely devastating.

What does it look like for you to live a life of freedom with responsibility?

• Do you need to embrace more of the FREEDOM that’s available to you?
• Or, do you need to take more RESPONSIBILITY for your actions before you even take them?

Tell me what you think.

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Remember in elementary school the fear of forgetting your permission slip for the biggest field trip of the year? My teacher (and probably yours) threatened the entire class with the dreaded consequence of being left behind.

No one wanted to be THE ONLY KID LEFT BEHIND.

The fear of having to sit in on another class felt so overwhelming that every one of us would find a way to get the single-most important piece of paper back into our teacher’s hands…with our parent’s signature emblazoned upon it.

The idea of “permission” has been so ingrained in most of our minds (for good reason at an early age) that many of us are still looking for permission as adults.

Instead of feeling the freedom to pursue what’s in our hearts, we’re waiting around for someone to give us permission. Ironically, they (whoever “they” is) doesn’t even know that we’re waiting for them to say something…nor would they think that we even needed their permission. Oftentimes, the need for permission is so nebulous that no one can give us the thumbs up other than ourselves.

You’ve been waiting on a permission slip to land in your hand in order to receive permission to do something. It’s in your heart, and you know it’s there. It may be buried deep, but it keep whispering to you…wanting to be expressed through your life.

What is it?
What do you feel like you need permission to do?

YES, YOU CAN…

• Be creative…every day.
• Develop a healthy, intimate relationship.
• Make as much money as you want.
• Be as bold and adventurous as you’d like to be.
• Invest time on the things that make me come alive.

Now that you have the permission you need…what are you going to do?
And, the next time you feel like you need a permission slip, feel free to write your own.

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Today, my family hung out at the beach for a couple hours with another wonderful family who we enjoy being with so much. The beach is an interesting place to watch other people.

• You’re in close proximity with complete strangers.
• You’re exposed to the elements like no other place. (water, wind, sand, birds)
• Kids feel the freedom to go nuts.

After watching a flock of seagulls commandeer a full, sealed back of chips from a sleeping teenage girl and experiencing a full-body exfoliation from sand flying from the beach towels of our own children, I watched in amazement as a mother desperately begged her young girl…no more than 5 years old.

“Jen, stand up by your sister so I can take your picture.”

“No, I don’t wanna!”

“Jeeen, I really want us to remember this day. Stand up so I can take your picture.”

“Nope.” She dug her hands deeper into the sand and squished up her face with displeasure.

“I’m telling you right now to get up there. Don’t you want ice cream later? If you don’t stand up and take a picture right now, I’m not gonna get you ice cream!”

It was absolutely comical…and a bit unnerving. I was so sick of hearing this mother beg the little girl that I almost got out of my seat and yanked the girl out of the sand. “Take the dang picture, Jen! I’m ready for your mother to shut up!”

I resisted…and the mother finally gave up.

Isn’t it funny how we try to coax our kids (and lots of other people in this world) to do something we want them to do. It’s not as though her choice in the moment was so much of an act of disobedience as a choice to disconnect from relationship. She didn’t want to participate in the moment, but two other people (her mother and sister) were doing everything (outside of physically moving her) to get her to stand up and get in the photo.

I’m wondering what the line is between inviting others to join us in the moment versus verbally assaulting them to join in. Is it possible to cast a vision for a different kind of life without creating a reward/punishment scenario?

What if I let the people around me be themselves? What if I modeled the kind of life I value and desire? What if I share my values and invite them to join me on the journey as they’re ready? What if I encourage them as I see them taking courageous steps in their life?

I wonder if that would be more peaceful and life-giving rather than all the coaxing that I witnessed today.

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“I just don’t want to lose my peace. I just don’t want to lose my peace.”

I kept saying it over and over again to Laura as I paced through the parking lot the other night. When I talk, I pace…no matter what I’m talking about. The more intense the conversation…the faster the pace of my pacing.

Peace is something that has eluded my adult life. Frankly, it’s never even been something I valued. When all hell broke out in my life, all of a sudden peace became something that I was desperate to find.

Peace was missing from my life.

When all the adrenaline rushes are gone…
When friendships are hard to come by…
When you feel all alone in a psych ward…
Peace becomes very important.

I’ve experienced so much of a lack of peace that I didn’t even know if it was possible to embrace. In fact, the opposite of peace is war. If you’ve ever lacked peace, you know that there is an internal war raging inside your mind and heart. There are conflicting thoughts, desires, passions, and emotions…all swirling within.

Most of the swirling in my life revolved around a desire to be successful and way above average.

Tonight as Laura and I met with our marriage therapist, he defined peace as embracing the fact that I’m average. He indicated that in light of God’s incredible power and creativity, we’re all quite average. Some of us may be a little more skilled or experienced in particular areas of life, but all of us are average in light of God’s greatness. He believes that when we accept our averageness and enjoy life right where we are, we’ll finally find peace. This doesn’t mean that I sit around and become complacent. In actuality, my desire is to express my gifts and talents to their fullest…as a path of enjoyment…not as a way to prove the fact that I’m above average in some way.

In a weird way, my peace is found in being average…and being okay with it.

Unfortunately, the pace of the frantic life that most of live stands in contrast to all of this. In this article by Anne Lamott, I resonated with her take on what we exchange our time for…

“I sometimes teach classes on writing, during which I tell my students every single thing I know about the craft and habit. This takes approximately 45 minutes. I begin with my core belief—and the foundation of almost all wisdom traditions—that there is nothing you can buy, achieve, own, or rent that can fill up that hunger inside for a sense of fulfillment and wonder. But the good news is that creative expression, whether that means writing, dancing, bird-watching, or cooking, can give a person almost everything that he or she has been searching for: enlivenment, peace, meaning, and the incalculable wealth of time spent quietly in beauty.

Then I bring up the bad news: You have to make time to do this.

This means you have to grasp that your manic forms of connectivity—cell phone, email, text, Twitter—steal most chances of lasting connection or amazement. That multitasking can argue a wasted life. That a close friendship is worth more than material success.

Needless to say, this is very distressing for my writing students.”

For the last couple of years, I’ve been experiencing an increasing level of peace in my life, and I don’t want to lose it. No new opportunities…no degree of outward success (and all the pushing required) is worth losing the incredible sense of peacefulness that I’m enjoying by embracing who I am right now…”an ass some days and a saint the others.” (direct quote from my therapist)

Peace is powerful.

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If you’re contemplating an affair or simply leaving your wife, there are innumerable reasons why you should go through with the decision. Since I have some experience in this area, I’d be happy to share a few of my thoughts in the form of the top 10 reasons to go for it.

Perhaps you’re feeling bored with your marriage…more like roommates than anything else. Or, maybe you’re experiencing so much conflict with her that you just can’t take it anymore. Or, you may not be attracted anymore to the woman you originally pledged your love to (i.e., your wife), and you’ve found some hot chick at work…or church.

Whatever the situation may be, you’ve probably been searching for “good reasons” to go ahead and make a move. You know all the reasons NOT to do it, but you’re probably hoping that there is another perspective that would align with the longings of your heart. Well, you’ve come to the right place. All those men’s magazines tell you how to get laid, but I want to help you understand why to have the affair.

You may not actually want to physically “leave” your wife…maybe you just want to have a little fun on the side. Statistics show that if you cheat (and get caught), you’ll eventually leave her…or she’ll leave you. One or the other usually happens. Well, let’s cut to the chase!

If you leave your wife, you can expect to…

10. Enjoy plenty of time and space to do your own thing.

All those “honey do” lists will be long gone. There will only be one thing she’ll want you to do…move out. Unfortunately, you’ll need to have a brief conversation about finances and how that will all work. She’ll probably get really angry with you, but it will be worth it. You will soon be shopping for your own apartment, and you can choose whatever you want. At first, you’ll get excited about that killer bachelor pad in the cool part of town (by the beach if you live near one), but you’ll probably settle for the most affordable option…a studio apartment or a one-bedroom unit near your family’s home (where you used to live). You’ll pull together whatever furniture you can find, and your schedule will be completely freed up. That is, once you shop for all the things you took for granted at your former home…pots, pans, towels, sheets, toilet paper, soap…you get the point. Have fun with all that new-found time and space!

9. Watch any movie you want and play video games 24/7.

You know all those violent action movies or pay-per-view pornos…feel free to watch them now. No one will be complaining or watching over your shoulder. On top of that, you’ll need to buy a new video game system for the kids when they come over. And, the great thing about it is…you’ll get to play it 24/7 when they’re not around. Your wife won’t be around to want your attention anymore. You’ll be able to turn off all the lights, crank up the sound, and kill everything in sight!

8. Eat anything and everything.

You know how your wife used to keep the fridge and cabinets stocked with all sorts of food? You get to do that now. (By the way, did you buy a refrigerator yet? You’ll probably need one of those.) Fill it with as much meat as you want…or microwave meals. Those things are way easier to fix than anything else, and there’s not a single thing to wash…as long as you use a plastic fork as well. Those are quite handy! If you don’t feel like eating, you won’t need to. And, if you just want to eat a bunch of crap all the time, go right ahead…hit that drive-thru every day on the way to and from work. By the way, be prepared to buy some bigger pants!

7. Work out as much or little as you’d like.

Since you’ll have so much time on your hands, working out may become a nightly activity for yourself. In the past, you may not have had enough time with some of your family duties, but now you’ll have more time than you know what to do with. You’ll probably want to lose those 10-100 pounds you’ve been packing on during the comfy years of marriage, because the hottie you’re having an affair with won’t be that impressed. If you’re not already having an affair, you’ll definitely want to lose the weight in preparation to find a new and improved woman. Jump on that treadmill, and start sweatin’ off the pounds!

6. Spend only a few hours a week with the kids.

I know you love your kids, but let’s just admit that they can be a pain in the butt. They’re completely self-centered. They want everything in sight. And, on top of that, they whine and cry. Another great thing about leaving your wife is that the kids will stay with her. You’ll have another one of those brief, painful conversations about when, where, and how you’ll spend time with the little rugrats. In the beginning, you’ll be bummed that you don’t get to see them all the time, but you’ll get over it. Every time you see them, you’ll do whatever it takes to make them happy. You’ll buy them toys, games, and fun stuff to eat. And, you can take them to places that their mother can’t afford to take them to…amusement parks, out to dinner, and any movie they want to see. Once they go home, you won’t have to worry about baths, homework, or bedtime craziness. Of course, you’ll miss out on the before-bed routines…answering precious questions, praying with them, and snuggling in bed. But, that’s okay, you won’t have to put up with all the tough stuff either!

5. Experience the golden silence of no nagging wife or screaming children.

Once the kids are back at the house where you used to live, you’ll have your apartment all to yourself. Total and complete silence…no more nagging wife telling you to pick up your underwear or wash your dishes or quit farting during dinner. No more screaming and whining from the kids when you ask them to do their homework, clean their room, or brush their teeth before bed. How does that silence sound to your ears? Golden? Yeah, now you can replace it with more soothing noises…music, movies, video games, and the crunching of chips as you eat them all alone in peace. You’ll start to hear the clock tick, the fan in your computer spin, and the footsteps of your neighbors as they approach their door. You’ll hear everything…even the voices within. How does all that sound?

4. Choose whether or not you even want to go to church.

You know how your wife asked you about all that spiritual stuff? Maybe even going to church? Now, you won’t have to deal with any of that nonsense. Let her chat about all that touchy-feely crap with all her girlfriends. Be a man, and be strong! All that Christian crap is for people who just need a crutch to deal with life. I’m sure you won’t need any of that. It doesn’t work anyway, right? Just pop open a beer, and plop down in front of the TV to veg out. Find something else to make you feel good….anything…just figure out what works for you. Of course, if all else fails, that whole God thing could be a back up plan. What do you think?

3. Have the opportunity to date anyone you meet.

Total and complete freedom…that’s what this new life is all about. Anyone you meet is fair game. Sign up for match.com or eHarmony. Create that profile…but you should probably omit that whole “I-just-left-my-wife” thing. That’s not exactly attractive to all those women looking for Mr. Right. I guess you’ll need to do one of two things. One option is to come up with a “story” that explains away that white ring around your finger where your wedding band used to sit. Maybe you could say that your wife died…or she’s the one who left. I’m sure you’ll come up with something. The second option is to date women who don’t care that you just left your wife. You’ll probably find those gals at the club downtown. Look for the really high skirts and the clear high heels.

2. Work as many hours as you’d like.

If you like to work a lot, now is your opportunity! Don’t worry about making it home for dinner on time. Make those extra calls. Take on that project that no one else wants to work on. Suck up to your boss and do whatever he/she wants you to do. On top of that, you can now take clients out for drinks, and you won’t need to worry about getting home before the kids go to bed. With all these extra hours at work, people will notice that you’re an amazing team member. They’ll affirm you for your hard work like your wife and kids never could. Congrats on finally getting the attention and affirmation of the people who matter the most!

1. Enjoy lots and lots of sex.

Finally, the number one reason to leave your wife…sex. Let’s face it. Your sex life hasn’t been that great recently…right?  Now you can have sex every single day with that new hot flame you’ve hooked up with…no need to sneak around anymore! It’s new and exciting, and you won’t be able to keep your hands off one another. In fact, you’ll probably be making love multiple times a day…before and after work. You’re finally living every guy’s dream. Of course, it’ll slow down eventually. Sooner or later, you’ll need to develop an actual relationship where you talk more than you grope and develop vulnerable intimacy more than getting naked. Don’t worry about that now though. There’s plenty of time to figure that out later…just like you did in your last marriage, right? If you’re not having an affair already, you’ll now have the chance to hook up with anyone you meet…at least whoever wants to be with a guy who’s just left his wife. I’m sure there are plenty of women out there like that.

There are plenty of “reasons” to leave your wife…whether you’ve had the balls to have an affair yet or not. If these reasons haven’t convinced you quite yet (to avoid the pain we went through) and you’re still contemplating what to do with your life, Laura and I would love to be a resource for you and your wife. Email us for help.

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Glancing backward
Can’t remember much
Other than wind in my hair
Performing in the clutch

Tough conversations
And momentary elations
Working harder than most
And proud enough to boast

Wish I could remember
Something other than dust
Like smiles and hugs
And embraces with thugs

With eyes wide open
Remembering today
Locking in the moments
Wondering what you’ll say

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Links:
www.nurmal.com
www.staceyrobbins.com

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Yesterday at the gathering of New Wine Community, someone mentioned that they anticipate negative things in their life. They said that negative things seem to happen so they’ve just started to look out for it.

My immediate response was, “Well that’s interesting…I anticipate great things happening to me!”

In my life, what I anticipate is what I tend to experience. Not all the time…but most of the time this is true. If I anticipate someone being disconnecting with me, that’s what I’ll experience. If I anticipate stress and anxiety in a situation, that’s what I’ll get.

Yet, if I anticipate greatness (positivity, peace, breakthroughs, financial success), it tends to come my way.

There’s nothing scientific about it. I can’t prove it. All I know is that I’m more interested in putting up my antennas and tuning them in to positivity.

This week, here’s what I’m anticipating…

• 8TRACKstudios – managing great marketing projects and landing at least one new client.
• 8TRACKdesign – working with our first interior design client in Los Angeles.
• Life Launch – writing at least two chapters of my next book.
• AWAKEN my life – mailing out sample copies of my recent book to a few contacts.
• Friendships – reconnecting with some old friends.
• Family – enjoying at least one great bike ride.
• Spirituality – meditating and reading the Scriptures.
• Moments – experiencing sacred moments that seem to come out of nowhere.
• Solutions – meeting challenges with creative solutions.
• Peace – celebrating and resting in “what is”…no matter what comes my way.

How about you? What are you anticipating?

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