Sarah – “I Was Cheated On…and then I Cheated”

In anticipation of the release of “Lost & Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair“, I’ve reached out to my readers to share their stories of infidelity. My hope is that you’ll be challenged by their experiences and invest in your own relationship even more. It’s easy to believe that the affair will provide the high or comfort that you’ve been longing for, but it rarely (if ever) lives up to such expectations.

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Sarah – “I Was Cheated On…and then I Cheated”

Were you married or dating when you were cheated on? Dating. We were together on and off for 7 years.

Tell us about the condition of the relationship before the other person strayed.
I thought things were great. I thought we were happy and everything seemed like a good relationship. We saw each other almost everyday. Spoke on the phone. Then he started to pull back. Phone calls left unanswered. Flaking on dates.

How did their affair impact your life – both during and after the relationship?
I was broken and hurt. I had a lot of issues before and it caused them to resurface. I felt neglected and unwanted. I did not feel like I was good enough. Like I would never be enough for someone. Both during and after I started to have trust issues. I did before because he had cheated on me. But it became worse when I “payed him back.” I started to feel like every phone call, every girl, was someone he had slept with. It was horrible.

Tell us about the condition of your heart and your frame of mind when you initiated a connection with someone else.
The guy I became interested in was a close friend. He was there for me when my boyfriend was not. I became very vengeful and vindictive. I found comfort in “my friend” and would spend time with him when my boyfriend had flaked.

Did the affair live up to your expectations? Why or why not?
No. I do not think it could. An affair is never done for the right reasons. It is done out of hurt and anger. The person I had the affair with developed genuine feelings for me. I ended up ruining our friendship and hurting him deeply.

Did you reconcile with the person who cheated on you?
If not, why not? If so, how did the reconciliation come about?
He, to this day, will not admit he ever cheated on me. But I know of numerous affairs and am actually really close with one of the ladies he cheated on me with. I would be more than willing to forgive and forget, if he would admit and apologize. I have not spoken to him in a few months.

Recently, I asked him to forgive me for my actions. I told him that I was sorry and I knew to move on and let go I needed his forgiveness. He was unwilling to give it to me. He is also unwilling to admit the numerous affairs he had.

What did you learn from the experience?
I have learned that sometimes people live in fantasy worlds and their indiscretions are not there if they do not admit to them. For me, the healing process was admitting and taking responsibility for my wrong doing and asking him for forgiveness. For him, it is all denial. I know now that letting go of him was the best thing I could do for our children and myself. He is not at a place where he is willing to grow up. But I pray for him every night. That God would soften his heart and bring him back to him.

I also learned that being sexually involved with someone before marriage is a very BAD idea. It develops attachments that are unhealthy. We had 2 children. And he is currently not involved in our lives. My heart has been broken and I have put my kids through hell and back trying to work things out. My infidelity caused a lot of problems. And I realize now instead of getting even (in my mind what I was doing) I should’ve just stopped the relationship. It would have saved a lot of pain and frustration.