What if Your Pastor is Having an Affair Right Now?

photo by David Trotter

Since the release of “Lost + Found“, I am in daily contact via email, Facebook, and phone with people who have been impacted by affairs. The messages range from spouses who are brokenhearted to adult siblings who are distraught to pastors who have fallen.

Frankly, I detest the term ‘fallen’, because it assumes that they/we were up on a pedestal in some way…above others…above temptation. It’s interesting that the term ‘fallen’ isn’t used very often in the case of an affair except when a pastor or Christian leader succumbs to temptation. Granted, there is a greater sense of responsibility as a leader…especially in the context of a spiritual community. At the same time, this tendency to ‘raise up’ leaders (primarily men) to a status that is other than human is simply unhealthy. (Of course, leaders don’t mind being lifted up…until in mid-fall. Then it becomes less than desirable.)

After a lengthy conversation with a pastor who finds himself in the midst of crisis, my mind is filled with questions. Not many answers at the moment…just questions about how to help pastors in need.

1. Can pastors be coached toward health before a fall?
   The tendency toward drivenness and workaholism among pastors is profound. Is there a way to model, share, and encourage health as a preventative effort? I know that I was not open to hearing advice or admonition to ‘slow down’ or ‘take it easy.’ I didn’t think people understood the opportunities and accompanying pressures I was dealing with. I thought I could handle it…but I couldn’t.
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2. Is a restoration process necessary or helpful for ‘fallen’ pastors?
   I hear the term ‘restoration process’ thrown around rather loosely, and I’ve even seen some books on the subject (although I haven’t read any). Most ‘fallen’ pastors I talk with ask the same question, “Restored to what?” The reality is that most pastors aren’t given the option of being restored to their role in the same church. So, is it a ‘fit for ministry’ stamp of approval? What does that mean? What are the road markers that determine the path? Is it helpful or harmful?
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3. What resources or tools do ‘fallen’ pastors need to experience reconciliation, recovery, and renewal?
   Whether or not these resources are part of a restoration process, what is truly needed? How can a couple be fully supported so that healing is actually possible in their marriage? What about psychotherapy, sexual addition recovery group, brain scan, medicine, physical fitness, and spiritual direction? How about support in the develop of true, intimate friendships? Would a comprehensive ‘toolkit’ be helpful so that numerous resources can be found in one place?
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4. What does a church need in order to experience reconciliation, recovery, and renewal?
   Some churches sweep it under the rug and shun the pastor. Others publicly parade the problem but don’t facilitate forgiveness and reconciliation. Preparing churches for the ‘worst case scenario’ doesn’t seem to be possible. Most churches don’t expect it to happen to their pastor, and they’re caught by surprise. That’s when a church usually starts to flounder about…often resorting to what’s natural for many. Point fingers, blame, shun, and condemn.
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5. How can a greater sense of honesty and grace be nurtured in churches?
   If you’re a pastor, being honest about a struggle is the last thing you want to be. Sure, I can come up with a personal story that reveals a mild ‘challenge’ in my life to help you get the point of the message, but the likelihood of me confessing a challenge to someone in the church. There is an assumption that pastors can’t or shouldn’t struggle. And, if they do, they’re out the back door. Is it possible to nurture an atmosphere of authenticity where pastors can get help for deep challenges in their/our lives.

Questions…lots and lots of questions. I’m sure men and women with greater wisdom and years of experience have wrestled through these questions for years…how about you? Do you have questions?