If You’ve Hit Rock Bottom…Tell Me About It
photo by David Trotter
After getting off the phone with a pastor from another state who imploded his life a few months ago, I came across a post by Carlos Whittaker called “Your Affair Can Only Teach Me So Much.” It’s very similar in nature to Tim Stevens’ post from a few days ago called “Why Is Failure So Sexy?” Both posts essentially ask…
Where are the books, blogs, and communicators who have been successful in their marriages and life in general?
The comments on both posts are interesting. Many people cry for teaching from couples who have been successful in their marriages for 30, 40, and 50 years. Others are nervous that writing about their marriage will somehow come off as vain or prideful. My guess is that a large section of people are just barely making it and don’t have much to share.
Here’s what I think the reality is…
- There are TONS of books on how to have a successful Christian marriage – most of which don’t deal with affairs or infidelity. Click here for a search on Amazon using the terms “Christian marriage” – over 9,500 available).
. - Most couples aren’t interested in being PROACTIVE to build an intimate marriage.
. - Most couples are REACTIVE when something goes sideways…usually extreme fighting or an affair.
. - When couples are in pain, they are more prone to look for a book that will help them overcome their challenge (i.e., an affair).
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- There are VERY FEW books on affairs and infidelity from a Christian perspective.
Here is a list of six prominent books on the subject.
When my wife and were contemplating a reconciliation after my affair, the book we turned to was “Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair.” It was an excellent resource, but I would have never picked it up BEFORE having an affair. And, frankly, I wasn’t prone to pick up ANY book on marriage before I left my wife and family.
I thought everything was fine with our marriage…until I started to awaken to my own dissatisfaction. We rarely fought. We had a groove worked out…I was a pastor, and she took care of the kids and our home. By the time, I was completely burned out on life and marriage, I wasn’t ready to pick up a book by a successful couple. I just wanted out. I wanted to implode my life.
Most people aren’t interested in picking up a marriage book in order to be proactive. We are generally reactive in nature, and we want to gain hope and tools from someone who has been where we are at currently…rock bottom.
That’s why I wrote “Lost + Found: Finding Myself by Getting Lost in an Affair.”
For people who have had an affair, it’s a real-life story of someone who destroyed his life and found a path back home. Since it was released last month, I’ve been in daily contact via email, FB, and phone with people who have had affairs or been impacted by them. The appreciation for sharing my raw story has been overwhelming.
For people who haven’t had affairs, reading my story is a hard slap in the face of what’s possible. It’s a wake-up call to proactively engage in developing intimate relationships. It’s a call from the rooftops to check the pulse of your marriage. It’s a cry from the bottom of my heart to take care of your soul.
So, I think we have PLENTY of books on how to have a great marriage.
We need more people who are willing to step up and tell their story of redemption against the backdrop of their depravity.
