4 Ways to Respond If Your Man Is Cheating
Posted on July 30, 2010
photo by David Trotter
Here are four different ways that you can respond to your man…
- Ignore that your man is cheating on you.
You may find that this is a ludicrous option, but it is one of your ways to respond. A number of women choose to turn their head while their husband gets a little something on the side. Rather than having to deal with the relational messiness of confronting and exposing him, you can simply hope that it all just goes away.You can hope that he gets tired of her, and you can even begin to try to win his heart back. Perhaps you want to “attract” him back to you and your marriage through whatever he values most…sex, food, attention, affection, sports, or whatever his distraction of choice might be.
When you see lipstick on his collar or hear him whispering into his phone or notice him coming home a bit late, just ignore it. As a side note, there are huge downsides to this option. Have you ever tried this before? How did it work for you? (Leave a comment.)
- Go out and find someone to have an affair with.
This is a popular response among many women. An eye for an eye! Some ladies feel as though the option of payback is the best way to give him a taste of his own medicine. As you’re flirting with and eventually making love to that guy you’ve been secretly attracted to, you can have the satisfaction in knowing that your man isn’t the only one who can step outside the boundaries of your relationship. You can do it, too!While the first option is rooted in denial, this option is fueled by bitterness, anger, and resentment. It is an option that will feel incredibly powerful in the process, but there is a huge letdown after the payoff. The rendezvous will be full of energy and passion, but ultimately the drive back home will feel depressing and empty. Have you ever tried this before? How did it work for you? (Leave a comment.)
- Scream, yell, and kick your man out.
The moment that your nightmare becomes a reality, ask the dreaded question, “Are you having an affair?” I know you don’t want to ask it, but I know you want to hear him finally admit it. Frankly, he’s going to say ‘no’. Very few guys are ever going to say ‘yes’ to that question. It’s just too painful and embarrassing. We don’t want to admit the fact that we’ve cheating on you, and we don’t want to deal with your wrath.
In this moment, you do have the option of opening up a can of whoop-ass. Scream, rant, and rave. Scare the crap out of him. Don’t lay a hand on him, but go after his favorite stuff. If he has a baseball card collection, get the matches. If he has a basketball signed by Michael Jordan, bust it out of the case and throw it in the pool. If he just bought a new Hugo Boss suit, go after the bleach. You get the picture.
Dump all his clothes on the street while he’s at work and change the locks. Kick him out, and make him have to deal with what’s next.
My wife actually opted for this option. As you’ll read in “Lost + Found“, she found out that I was having an affair when my new woman’s husband called her at work, and I confirmed the news via phone. When I returned from a three day getaway in San Diego with my ‘mistress,’ all my clothes were shoved into 10 black plastic bags. The locks were changed, and I was told to get out.
I was happy about it at the time, but it did force me to get my act together rather quickly. By forcing the issue, you are making your man take responsibility for his actions and figure out what’s most important in his life.
- Offer to go to counseling and work on your relationship.
Asking him if he’s having an affair may not get you the answers you’re looking for. Perhaps you’d like to say calmly and directly, “Honey, it seems as though something isn’t right in our relationship. It has come to my attention that you may be connecting with another woman. This is not acceptable, and I will not stand for it. In spite of this, I love you, and I’m committed to you. I am willing to go to counseling immediately and work on our relationship. Are you willing to join me?”
I know that sounds so technical and non-emotional, and it may never actually come out that way. But…that statement has the power to set a new trajectory for your relationship. You are clear that the relationship isn’t working. You’ve said that he may be having an affair without accusing him. You’ve clearly articulated your love and commitment to him and your willingness to get help.
Whether he is having an affair or not, you’ll see if he wants to work on your relationship. If he says ‘yes’ to counseling, that’s a start. If he says ‘no’, then you’ll realize that something is really going sideways. That’s when you will need to get even more direct by asking him why he isn’t willing to go to counseling. If he still resists, you have the opportunity to go directly to counseling and start getting strong and healthy on your own.
Whether he’s willing to work on the relationship or not, you can! You can develop healthy boundaries, communication, and behaviors. You can do it. Don’t let his potential affair or unwillingness to work on your relationship hold you back from taking powerful next steps in your own life. You can do it!
So…what’s next for you? If you think your man may be having an affair, what option seems to make the most sense in your unique situation?
In preparation for the release of my new book “Lost & Found“, I’ll be addressing the topic of affairs and infidelity over the next few weeks. If you have a question you’d like me to address, email me.